Life of Liz

In the beginning …

In In the Beginning on October 12, 2012 at 11:07 am

The first step is always the hardest … so here goes!  I doubt anyone will read this, so I am not going to spend a lot of time on background info.  But, for those of you that have stumbled across this blog, here is some basic information … I am 46 years old and I’ve been married to the same man (Henry) for 21 years.  We have 2 kids in college, 1 in highschool, 2 in jr. high and 2 in elementary (yep, 7 kids).  We are in the process of relocating my 92 year old Grandma from across the country to live with us.

Who is Liz?  Well, I am a little OCD (not clinically lol) and a lot type A, but I am trying very hard to reorganize my priorities.  I am a stay at home mom, a volunteer at church and school(s), involved in my community and sometimes coach 2-3 different sports teams at the same time!  Henry and I have recently adopted ‘a new dynamic’  into our marriage and believe the man is the head of the household.  So .. yeah!  the type A controlling wife is now giving 51% of the power over to hubby… just a little surprising huh?  I set this blog up to help me organize my thoughts about THAT and by doing so maybe help someone else who is considering this path.  I’ll be letting you know how our new roles unfolds and my thoughts about incorporating this into our marriage.  I also need an outlet to express my total FEAR about having Grandma move in with us…it’s the kind of fear that is waking me up at 2 in the morning … and I am just too prideful to let myself share the FEAR with anyone else!!

If anyone has advice to share, please SHARE!  I would really love to meet some kindred spirits that might be able to help me walk down this new path.

Liz

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  1. Welcome to the blogworld! Congrats on starting your DD blog 🙂
    MrBB

  2. Welcome Liz! You are brave on many levels. Congrats on looking for shoulders to stand on. I’m 52 w 4 kids, 3 ’20 Somethings” and 1 freshman. I too am a SAHM. I had ‘thee talk’ in the deepest dark on our patio. I felt as if I would never approach ‘normal’ again. (Votes were inconclusive as to whether I’d ever been.) It’s been 3 years now since we agreed on Domestic Discipline (Dd). I’ve changed, he’s changed. Our kids see it. My parenting has become less anxious bc I feel some weights have been lifted (I feel less alone.) I assume that you’ll become quite creative in your times and places to do “TTWD”. “Where there’s a will …”.

    Your control issues are too familiar to most everyone here; so try not to ‘percenta-tize’ the level of your numerically professed and offered control – “51%”. You’ll struggle less against yourself when you notice the numbers changing. Put your blinders and seatbelt on if you can truly trust your man.

    Personally I just could not continue to argue, compete, or keep up with my ego after 29 years of marriage (3 years ago) + 4 years of dating/engagement to a Type A, firstborn, confident person (we share identical attributes) …. sighs … I have learned to yield to him and unexpectedly to my internal struggles (perhaps it was a subconscious ploy).

    I wish you both all the best as you make these voluntary discoveries within your marriage.

    KayLynn the Externally Motivated Wife

    • Hi KayLynn and thanks for the encouragement. I could really relate to “Personally I just could not continue to argue, compete, or keep up with my ego” since that was the exact place that I found myself at before taking the plunge. It’s a work in progress for us. I am failing a lot. I sometimes think the realization of how often I fail is worse than any punishment. I liked also your comment about “voluntary discoveries” which I am often times finding out are revealing a part of myself that I have spent the better part of my life trying to hide. Thanks again! Liz

      • ….sorry techy cooperation issues… You do a disservice to you and Henry. We ALL go through this for as long as we breathe. If we don’t, we aren’t growing. Strongholds are normal. Hang in there, use your humor, keep writing and I’ll send some solid role models your way.

        Henry, too will be human and make mistakes. Be grateful for your humanity. Gentle expectations make a strong foundation.

        KayLynn

  3. We’ve been through the elderly relative routine. Only it was with octogenarian parents. It is literally a labor of love.

    Changing sheets a 3 a.m. every night is not exactly fun. Using different laundry detergent helps with smells. Also, it helps to take some extra precautions to avoid insect infestation from smells. You may also have start shopping at maintenance supply companies for some of the same disinfectants and odor control chemicals used by nursing homes.

    Despite numerous problems, the experience can greatly help children understand life and death as natural processes. Children discover that the elderly are not some creatures from outer space. Instead, they learn that their grandparents are where we are all headed if we live long enough.

    – – – – – – – – – – –

    When it comes to actually practicing domestic discipline in the bedroom, the wife cannot retain 49% control. This is not a game of feminine mystique. To the contrary, if done correctly, the wife will become completely transparent to the husband. This is where trust comes in.

    It’s not pleasant to discuss but, for domestic discipline to achieve the desired results, you are going to have to let your husband reduce you to a child-like state where you involuntary say, “Yes, Sir,” and cry like a spanked little girl. For most grown women, especially for the strong-willed wife, this usually requires a strap or a paddle privately taken to the wife’s bare bottom. It’s not pleasant, but it is necessary. Smart wives will tell their husbands if they’re not getting though their sometimes formidable psychological defenses.

    When a woman is spanked, she goes through at least three stages that are remarkably like those of a disciplined teenage daughter. First come resistance. Then comes anger. Finally there is submission.

    These stages are necessary because both the wife and her husband have to know that HE is in charge! One of the biggest mistakes a husband can make is to leave his wife either resistant or angry. These conditions invite a battle of wills.

    In the final analysis, domestic discipline is about a woman’s mind rather than her behind. If the husband is able to conquer his wife’s mind, she will love and respect him. Otherwise, she will come to despise his weakness.

    The first time may actually leave her with some bruising where the wife sits down. This is normal and will cease to be a problem after the first session or two. However, it is not uncommon for a spanked wife to “feel it” the next day.

    How do I know this? Because my wife and I have practicing domestic discipline for longer than you have been alive. The advantage we had was that we grew up in an age when domestic discipline was acceptable and frequently discussed.

    Make no mistake about it; domestic discipline works. It brings husbands and wives close together. In fact, it may even be the original marriage counseling!

    • Hi “A voice of experience”,
      Thanks for the info about elderly care. My grandma is still healthy (drives, dances etc) but at 92 I realize that all could change in a flash. I hadn’t really thought about the types of things you mentioned and appreciate the eye opening info.

      I had a harder time with your insight into domestic discipline, but I do appreciate that it comes from a place of experience. As the mom of 7, it’s hard to hear the phrase “cry like a spanked little girl” or “When a woman is spanked, she goes through at least three stages that are remarkably like those of a disciplined teenage daughter” … I am trusting Henry to hold me accountable and it does involve spanking and I do cry – that said I am still able to hold on to “formidable psychological defenses” and you are correct that it is hindering my ability to have a consistently submitted spirit. I think you touched on a nerve with your word choices and that is something that I struggle with in Dd – because its conflicting really since I am not a child, I don’t want to be treated as a child BUT I do want to be held accountable and I realize I need to know Henry is the leader and discipline accomplishes those goals. So – thanks for your comment. ~Liz

      • I was not trying to overwhelm you. Instead, as men tend to do, I tried to put together a reasonably succinct package of the end game. After all, it might have been my only chance to communicate with you.

        At the same time, please understand that I am posting with the advantage of hindsight. Meanwhile, you are viewing things as one might view an unfamiliar road on a foggy night. As externallymotivatedwife pointed out, understanding domestic discipline is progressive. However, to explain that would require a book rather than an internet post.

        Regardless of whether you agree with me or not, please remember the one thing you want to avoid is getting into a power struggle with your husband. Because spanking is really about a woman’s mind rather than her body, if a woman learns she can endure a spanking without changing her attitude, domestic discipline merely adds to the existing marital difficulties. That’s the primary reason I recommend husbands paddle their wives.

        As much as anything, domestic discipline is the symbolic submission of a wife’s will to that of her husband. Moreover, as you will probably discover after any initial awkwardness, the process actually flows quite naturally. One way or another, across continents and generations, men and women have being doing this (thus, TTWD) since before the dawn of recorded history. After my wife and I married, my wife submitted to me much as she had done to her father. Back then, what today is know as domestic discipline was simply known as spanking. Then, we grew up in a different generation.

        Submitting to domestic discipline does not mean that the wive has to agree with her husband on every issue. The wife will continue to have her opinions. That said, when the time comes to make an important decision, the wife will defer to her husband.

        Also, while privacy is important, worry less about the children finding out than whether your marriage is strong. Children understand spanking much better than they do bickering and divorce. Probably the best advice that parents can give their children is: No matter what you hear through the bedroom door, your mother and father still love each other and you.

        – – – – – – – – – –

        When it comes to geriatrics, it is important to understand that things can go downhill quickly. A stroke or a fall suddenly changes the rules of the game.

    • While I would never dispute any advice from A Voice(s) of Experience and reason, I want you to know, Liz, that were I to read this comment, being a new to Dd, conscientious mom of 7 children plus the upcoming care of a 92 yo grandmother with an obvious loss of privacy, I would have felt intimidated by this obvious well-meant comment.

      That said, understand that this lifestyle implies a process, a heart for being self-effacing and most importantly patient and kind to yourself. No woman worth her salt can conceive of moving from her pre-Dd autonomy to total transparency and child-like etc ….. Yes, times were different. But you and I experienced a cultural message that clearly started our need and ability to be none of those described attributes and emotional states. Again I respect his time to ‘tell it like it is within a relationship admittedly more experienced.

      What I’d like to add is that each and every Dd relationship takes on it’s own special life. Your husband and you will move at your own pace based on what lice brings to you.

      I love that you’ve easily generalized your maturity to feel convicted – please avoid thoughts of failure. You do a disservice

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