Life of Liz

Breaking the sound barrier … aka Isolation Bubble

In Uncategorized on October 16, 2012 at 5:20 am

This weekend was long; And hard.  All week long it’s been building and by Friday I was out of sorts and feeling overwhelmed with grandma’s impending move to our home.  When I feel overwhelmed, I trying to control everything and push Henry away.  It’s as though I can’t let him into my ‘isolation bubble’ (as he called it this weekend) and I soon spiral.  Friday night was tough; we should have had maintenance, but it was a busy night and Henry thought maybe I didn’t need it since we had an unexpected session Thursday morning.  I think maintenance would have shattered my ‘isolation bubble’.  When it didn’t happen, I didn’t feel irritated, mad or let down but in hind sight I should have told him where I was headed.

Saturday morning was worse and I was in rare form; controlling everyone in the house – or driving them all crazy.  By that evening I didn’t want to submit my spirit and I held on for longer than I care to admit.  A comment posted by A Voice of Experience yesterday was insightful.

Why I couldn’t let my guard down?  I don’t know actually where I was at or why I was holding out. I accepted and in the end I did submit.  When he felt I had all I could take, I wasn’t all lovey but nor did I close myself off; I just didn’t really want to talk.  I needed time to reflect and think about how I ended up so ‘out there’ and how much I disliked the consequences.  Thankfully he gave that to me and by Sunday morning I could come back to him and re-assume my place next to him.  Does any of that make sense?

We had to drive 4 hours to visit our daughter for parents’ day on Sunday and it gave us the time we needed to talk about the weekend.   In the end Henry and I did learn a lot Saturday night. We have so much to learn.  We discussed the nuts and bolts.  But we also had a very transparent conversation where I explained how I can effectively ‘bluff’ to stay distant and I gave Henry some insight into ‘calling my bluff’.  It was humbling for me.  It seems like since we’ve started this journey, I am seeing how much I protect myself and don’t let anyone else in, him included.  Now when even a small layer is peeled away I feel a desperate need to run away and hide.  But why?  Henry is trustworthy.  He is a patient and kind man.  He’s a God fearing man.  My conclusion is this: God is using Henry to show me that I have spent the last 45 years talking the talk – but not really walking the walk.  That may make no sense.  What I mean is I say ‘I trust Henry’, but time and again I push him out at the times I need him the most.  Why?  Because surely I can do it all!!??  Yeah, probably not though and so I am walking a new road.  Now with grandma’s impending move here, I will soon realize that I can’t do it all and I need Henry.

I can truthfully say that I did NOT like Saturday night.  I didn’t like distance between him and I or seeing just how quickly I jumped back into my controlling self.  Thank God every day is new .

Liz

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  1. Hi Lix, I read your first 3 posts, and it’s a wonderful start! Welcome to blogland. Yes, it all makes sense, and that’s the great thing about blogging and being Dd- it’s great to connect and find support, ideas and new friends.
    I do hope that Grandma’s move works out well. I imagine it’s a big change, and quite stressful. It’s great that your husband could offer that rebalance that we all appreciate the next day, but not always “at the time”. 🙂

    • Hi Elysia, Thanks for reading my blog. I’ve spent a lot of time reading yours and apprecitae so much of what you have written. It really helps to understand what others have already experienced and to not feel so alone. I actually do feel like I am making new friends and it’s really encouraging to meet such strong and capable ‘like minded’ people.
      I am nervous about Grandma’s move; that was a big reason I started the blog. Henry is doing a lot to quell my fears, but as I’ve written (and probably will write more about), it’s up and down – sometimes moment by moment 🙂 ~Liz

  2. It all sounds familiar Liz. Personally I’ve come to understand that when a person has held tight out if fear of loss of control, giving up the smallest things represents what’s to come. Singe if us clamp down hard just before growth. You won’t fall. You’ll realize that the world can survive if you allow others their rightful place to jump into three process. Sometimes we take that away from others resulting in their feeling unneeded. They may sadly feel incompetent in your eyes. Your true job is to nurture others to work together. Look at it from the perspective of a wise boss who trusts his our her own teachings enough to delegate. I controlled everything fearing if I didn’t I’d find I wasn’t needed, that my importance was solely based on my dictatorial award. At out age, we begin to fear we may be less needed. It’s all anxiety based and definitely something we can reduce over time. Hopefully one if these hits home. If I’ve presented too much, to soon, please forgive me. KayLynn

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