Life of Liz

Do Not Feed the Fears

In Uncategorized on October 17, 2012 at 8:22 am

ImageI haven’t called my grandma yet this week.  My call is 2 days late.  She won’t mention it (not her style), but I will feel it.  Why haven’t I called her?  Probably because each conversation brings it more clearly into focus that she is moving here.  I love my grandma.  When I was growing up her and I were very close until we moved 1100 miles away; and then she wrote me letters (which I still have) twice a week.  She was my matron of honor.  I am trying to paint a picture for you that grandma is a person that I ‘like’.  For the past 10+ years Henry and I have paid to have her visit 2-3 times a year.  My kids love grandma.  Her and my mom are not overly close (more on that later), which is why grandma is coming to live in our very busy house instead of with her daughter and son-in-law in a relatively empty house.  I am the one that has orchestrated this transition because …well… because I love my grandma and I realize she can no longer live alone.  I’d say 99% of the time I am the person calling the shots.  Until recently …

I keep surprising myself at how quick I can swing between surrender and control.  Do you ever feel like that?  Prior to deciding that Henry was the leader and that I would follow him, I rarely thought about how quickly I begin to control everything and everyone in my path whenever stress rises up in my life.  And I have 7 kids!  Stress is always rising up.  I am really comfortable when Henry is able to step in and ‘handle’ things; but almost daily (maybe hourly?) I censor what I will tell him and what I will ‘handle alone’.  And it’s the decision for me to ‘handle it alone’ it that ends poorly for me, if you get my drift. 

How’s it going to be with grandma in our house?  I will need to ‘handle’ the care and coordination of another person.  I wonder if I’ll let Henry into my isolation bubble or if I’ll push him away. 

I really love writing down my thoughts b/c it brings a lot of clarity and seems to be allowing me to answer some of my own questions … Why haven’t I called grandma?  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of failure.  Fear of my relationship with her changing.  But since Fear of Not Living Up to Expectations is bigger right now, I think I will go and make that call…

~Liz

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  1. Welcome to our community, Liz. Your life sounds a lot like ours, except the 7 kids, we only have two and that’s challenging 🙂 It’s amazing that you are taking care of your grandmother. Blessings.

    • Hi June,
      Thanks for reading my blog. I’ve read yours (and Wards!) frequently and really have appreciated the insightful info. And 7 kids only ‘feels’ like 7 when; well n/m I guess it does ‘usually’ feel like 7 lately. I didn’t realize how much more of a juggling act I would be doing when the oldest 2 went off to college b/c I am still really active in their lives, but it’s just harder b/c they are farther away. And losing 2 drivers was more than I imagined too. I think God places us where we need to be at the exact right time, and for Henry and I ttwd is the exact thing we needed for our marriage. Also, the support and encourangement from the blogger community has been so welcome. Have a great day. ~Liz

  2. Hi Liz, I just came across your blog. Welcome to blogland. I have a blog. but I don’t post real often. I still feel the need to learn, and that means reading other people’s blogs. My husband and I started a while back, but the process is slow. When my husband decides to spank me for punishment, there is no longer any desire to giggle or laugh like in the beginning. He, however, isn’t very consistent. We just keep the communication open. I hope you and your husband will gain as much as you desire, in this new chapter of your life. I can not imagine having 7 children and a grandmother to have to put in the mix. My husband I live alone. Our only child lives 2 minutes from our home, but most of the time she will call before she drops by. I look forward to hearing more of your story. By reading and learning about others, you find yourself not feeling so “weird”. The more that happens, the more you feel very comfortable in talking to your husband. Giving up control, frees you from a lot of “hang ups”.. you’ll be surprised. God Bless You and Yours Now and Always, Belle L.

    • Hi Belle,
      Thanks for your comment. I have been reading a lot and gaining so much insight from the many insightful bloggers out in blogland! I think the main reason I decided to start a blog was to quell some of the isolation I am feeling. I just feel that having such a huge thing going on in my life, but not being able to discuss it with even my closest friends is a challenge. I am not feeling ‘weird’ thanks to all the great writers!

      It’s challenging having 5 kids in the house – someone is always home, but we are creative. Now, when Grandma moving in I am sure it’s going to be even tougher. I appreciate your encouragement. Have a nice day 🙂 ~Liz

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