Life of Liz

submission…an answer to prayer?

In In the Beginning on October 30, 2012 at 5:52 am

Marriage is such a complex journey.  Lately I’ve been really clued into the ways Henry and I are able to communicate in ways we haven’t in 20(?) years.  Sometimes I feel like I am getting to know him for the first time and I am confused by the image that shows clearer each day.  I keep thinking “how could this wise, patient and kind man have been hidden from me for so long?” A year ago things were so very different.   I most often felt on my own.  The outside image of our family was still shiny, but the inside was crumbling fast. 

After a particularly long weekend of arguing, distancing and verbal assaults I remember lying in bed and crying.  I was just miserable really.  I was so unhappy for so many reasons however a singular strand ran thru all of my misery – what Henry was NOT doing to meet my needs.  Things had been unwinding for a long time; we had stopped communicating and he was usually distant and protecting himself from my verbal assaults.  85% of our weekends included arguing, harsh accusations, distancing and then brushing it under the rug so we could start the hamster wheel of Monday.   Our sex life was perfunctory, at best.  Our older daughters were modeling my behavior and treating H disrespectfully and a dynamic of ‘us vs him’ started playing out in our house.

So this particularly long weekend I had retreated upstairs to our bedroom and as I laid there and played back the past 20 years; and I fast forwarded through the next 14 (to get all the kids out of high school) I was resigned to this existence so my questioning soon turned to acceptance of “this was just how my life was meant to turnout”.

I began to violently sob.  At one point my cries resembled a panic stricken and/or belligerent 2 year old and that is when I offered up a very deliberate prayer of “help me” with no real regard for what I was even asking.  I can only say now, God heard that prayer.  I however, didn’t think about that prayer until recently when I began to compare/contrast where we were and where we are headed.  But God is so faithful and accommodating.

I am going to jump forward to this weekend.  I mentioned in an earlier post that our freshman daughter (Gracie) is struggling a bit.  She’s a college athlete on a full scholarship (so her sport is now a fulltime job with deadlines, expectations and criticisms).  Our Gracie is in the midst of a boot camp-like experience with her team.  No warm fuzzies, no hand holding.  Our precious one is pretty beat down and she’s cracking a little.  So when she said she could come home for 24 hours, H made the 3 hour trip there to pick her up and together we drove her back last night.  Initially I wasn’t going to make the drive to take her back to school.  6-7 hours in the car means leaving the rest of the kids under the guidance of our 17 year old and is a valid reason to let Henry do it alone.  But Henry gently said “if you ride along we can talk on the ride home” ~ so that is what we did.  And I am so glad I rode along.  Our baby cried when we reached her school ~ think kindergarten drop off cry.  She didn’t cling to my leg, but she very well could have.  I cried too b/c it doesn’t matter if they are 8 months, 8 years or 18 years old she is still my baby.  Rationally I know our Gracie is going to be ok – much like we all knew our kids would be ok at kindergarten drop off, but emotionally I was a mess.

On the drive home we talked for over 3 hours about ‘us’.  We talked about what was working and what wasn’t.  I took the advice of several commenters’ last week and asked Henry how his over scheduled life was making him feel and when he opened up, I listened!  I was able to tell him my stresses about Grandma’s move and how I can effectively use smoke and mirrors to keep him in the dark about how much turmoil I am feeling inside and while I shared, he listened!

On the car ride home I was able to catch a glimpse of myself on the bed last year ~ the hopelessness and dread of that night have been completely replaced.  I will leave for another post the multiple ways my submission has revitalized our marriage ~ but for today I will simply say tonight’s conversation in the car and the subsequent tenderness in the bedroom would NEVER have happened if not for the inclusion of ttwd into our marriage. ~Liz

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  1. […] upon some Red Pill references and then some Dd references and then had the moment described here and lo and behold Henry and I moved forward – for the first time in 20+ […]

  2. I also had an eye opening experience when our oldest daughter got married and I saw her treat her new husband as I had treated her Daddy. I was so ashamed! This is the point and time I started learning everything I could about marriage, submission, respect, and cdd. God has been good to us with changing my heart. Still room for improvement but the new HOH/submissive wife journey has been glue to keep us together strong and growing – together not apart. Good Luck to you both, Lucy PS. I HATE having one of my children upset and at school away from me….

    • Hi Lucy,
      Thanks for reading my blog 🙂 It was actually pretty horrible for me too when I realized the behavior my daughters saw in me (really awful!) was being imitated. It’s been a slow process to undo what took 20 years to build, but day by day I am trying to show them the way a wife/mother ‘should’ treat her husband/family and how fulfilling it is to be a submitted wife and happy mom. I feel like Henry and I are growing together for the first time in a long time (maybe the first time ever?). And having Gracie 3-3 1/2 hours away doesn’t sound hard or far to most ~ but it sounds like YOU understand that any distance is too much when they are hurting. Again, thanks for commenting and have a nice day. ~Liz

  3. Yea TTWD but more importantly … YEA you two!!! There are always cycles to life and seasons that we endure. Stress is so difficult, but communicating and supporting each other (through ttwd or through 24 hours of parent child support) makes it all doable.

    • Hi MLB – we are in a good cycle right now – but I am only too aware how seasons’ can change. I am hoping we can establish a good foundation to weather the storms that are sure to come. It’s new for me to let Henry in and share the emotions I feel when one of our kids is sad; but it was a good lesson for me b/c he was very supportive and actually insightful (gee, imagine that … a dad who has insight into his daughter, lol). Have a nice day. ~Liz

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