Life of Liz

Submission without publicity

In Out of the Comfort Zone, Shrew-ness on November 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Two well read bloggers recently posted about having family members find out about their dynamic lifestyle.

I see this as a touchy subject with a lot of women in a submissive role.  Surely I can’t be the only one who is adjusting to second guessing my new role and expected responses as an obedient wife and sometimes comparing them against my crazy controlling self of yesteryear!  Any attention called to a submissive behavior that I am still coming to terms with is bound to make me uncomfortable when noticed by someone else.

In our family, as you may recall – we have 7 kids including 2 in college and 1 in high-school.  In the very beginning, my ‘newly submissive’ behavior b/c respecting Henry was very different called attention to itself with our older daughters.  A few times it was actually funny to hear the 16 year old (Maggie) stick up for her poor, oppressed mom, lol … love that girl!

It’s been the occasions when Henry asserted his HoHness ever so slightly in a way that I knew my older daughters would be clued into that made me uncomfortable.  They are noticing that I am allowing myself to be directed (very subtly) by H.  They notice that I defer to H before making the final decision to a request of theirs.  Don’t get me wrong; I am glad our daughters are seeing a better role model of a husband/wife relationship and that they might one day create a similar dynamic of a husband lead marriage when their time comes for them.  For me it boils down to an adjustment of my pride to be submissive in ways that contrast my former self.  I have never been afraid they would find out about what goes on behind closed doors in our relationship – Henry is very private and would never let that happen 🙂

I don’t know how I would react in I was in the situation(s) described by the above bloggers; I think I would feel betrayed a little~ maybe a little humiliated?  Is it too big of a jump to say the trust that I’ve given over and placed in Henry includes my little, sometimes overly sensitive girlie emotions – and realizing that men and women truly are DIFFERENT – this may be an area that some HoH’s may never truly ‘get’ but in an effort to respect the trust bestowed upon them, they choose to make an effort to respect.  ~Liz

  1. I agree Liz. I’m not ashamed of my new role and I’m glad that we can model a strong married relationship for our kids…but I think it’s really important to still present a united front as parents and I would never want them to know all the ins and outs of exactly how we make this dynamic work. That’s PRIVATE and for us alone and we definitely want to keep it that way! 🙂

    • I think privacy actually makes the entire dynamic that much more meaningful for me b/c it’s something that only the 2 of us share. At times that seems isolating, but at other times it’s really rewarding. Thanks for reading, Tess ~Liz

  2. I would imagine with 7 kids and grandma moving in you are not going to have much time absolutely alone. How about a walk in closet in your room? Research how loud things are using all your usual noisemakers. Have your husband hit the bed with the implements you use and then you go to each of the areas where people are likely to be and see what you hear. It may surprise you to know they don’t hear anything. They are doing their thing – listening to music, tv, phones, etc. It might give you a chance to relax a little because being tense during a spanking will negate any good it is trying to accomplish.

    Have no doubt you will work it out. Others have, be it a closet, a bathroom, a garage and if all else fails drives in the car.

    Good luck.

    • All good ideas! Grandma’s room will be directly below ours come December so we will need to figure it out. So far the wooden spoon is pretty quiet – and until Saturday night I didn’t create much noise … but things are a changin! ~Liz

  3. Hi Liz,

    My girls saw me as yours have – pre and post and they are appreciative of the morphing – I talk at great length with my girls about how men need our respect. They’re meant to be HOHs – mind you I am very vague even though they know. My girls have spoken directly about how they expect a provider – not financial, but an emotional provider. I want my girls to be who they want vocationally. I want them to understand they do not need to control everything (just like mom has taught them/tried to control the planets for decades). Thanks for citing my post!

    • I find myself talking to my girls too in ways I never did before. It’s as though I am not hyper alert for the non-submitted, over controlling wives to point out and explain why that way isn’t ideal … oh wait, they saw that wife for the last 18 years, lol. We want our girls to go to college and do whatever suits them. That said, I now know that true happiness is found when you let your husband into your isolation bubble and allow him to lead the way for the two of you. Hopefully they will see the good results from where Henry and I have traveled and make the same choices. And I love your blog. You capture my feelings pretty accurately! ~Liz

  4. Hi Liz 🙂

    I just recently stumbled across your blog, and thought I would leave a comment.

    Ryan and I would DIE if anyone knew about ttwd. Seriously. We go to great extremes to keep things as private as possible. This can be much more difficult with the kiddos running around.

    We have just started talking about how to deal with this sort of thing in public. Little discreet cues. It is definitely a delicate balance…..

    • Hi Lucy – we have 7 kids!! We have investigated the quietest implements and utilize the bathroom fan, the hairdryer and music – but honestly I can’t really relax unless we are in the house alone. When Grandma moves in that is going to be a real challenge. ~Liz

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