Life of Liz

GRANDMA’s in the house

In Authentic Life, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill on December 15, 2012 at 6:57 am

For the last 3-4 months I’ve experienced a whirlwind of emotions surrounding Grandma’s move into our home, but God has been ever faithful and today I find myself in a very good place.  Let me explain

I’ve always been especially close to my Grandma –where as my mom and her (sometimes my mom and I) are not, which is why it had always been assumed that when ‘that day came’ Grandma would come to live with me.  It wasn’t until her move became more and more eminent that I began to examine parts of my heart that were/are pretty selfish.  I spent considerable time analyzing how this would affect ME.  How MY space would be disrupted and MY routines challenged.  A seed of bitterness tried to take root and crowd an already overburdened relationship with my mom.  The same thoughts rolled through my head daily to the tune of “I have 7 kids; how can I also be expected to provide care for my 90 year old Grandma” … I was surprised when those thoughts led to “your mom must really not care about you if she is willing to let you take on the responsibility of Grandma in addition to your 7 kids”.  The emotions that I have spent so long hiding were once again shouting loud and confirming my fears – “I am not really loved”, “I am a fraud”, or the crushing blow “you’ll fail”.  When Henry forced me to challenge the fears I reverted back to self protection mode and tried to shut him out.  But this time, my red pill husband didn’t back down to me and firmly established his leadership.

Henry: “Liz, meet me upstairs”

Liz: “No.  I don’t want to do this anymore, this isn’t fun anymore and I don’t want to play”

Henry: “I am not playing; meet me upstairs or think seriously if this is a line you want to draw with me”

Hmm, what to do?  He sounds serious and his body language indicates he is not kidding.  If I challenge him, what will he do? This was a big step for US because Henry was not only maintaining his position, but he was causing me to re-think my next step and for a woman that has acted without thinking many times, having to stop and realize the consequences of my next step is a big turning point.  How I proceeded, what step I took next was directly related to what Henry might do or what Henry wanted.  Does that make sense?  It wasn’t that I just wanted to submit – trust me I did NOT.  But somehow HE had established himself as the leader and his intent came through loud and clear “think twice before F*cking with me” Wow.  Really??  So, what to do??

Liz:  “You know what, fine!  I will go upstairs, whatever” (my motto has always been “in for a penny, in for a pound”

Henry:  Good girl (*ugh*, what the H*ll is going on!!)

Henry let me sit upstairs just long enough to break through my pride and prepare for what would surely follow.  I am not going to go into detail about what transpired.  I cried and lashed out; but not at Henry.  No, I had not realized it, but all the hurt and pain inflicted at the hands of my moms’ selfishness that I’ve spent years trying to rationalize away came flooding out.  Right there, right then – over my husbands lap is when I could finally let go of the hurt, pain and unforgiveness inside my heart.  I let Henry inside the secret lock down chamber of my inner most insecurities.  And while we typically do not tangle 2 events together, the night ended in a blur as Henry reinforced his ownership of my body (many times over).

God is so good and Henry is so in tune with what makes me tick that neither of them let me celebrate my own personal pity party for too long.  The service at church last Sunday was about humility.

hu·mil·i·ty /hjuˈmɪləti/ noun

[noncount] : the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people : the quality or state of being humble

Here I was worrying about ME and MY routines when my 90 year old Grandma was leaving all she had ever know to move 3000 miles away and live with a controlling women and her 7 crazy kids.  Talk about a reality check!  Oprah would call this an AhHa moment!!  No longer was it about ME – once I started seeing the upcoming events though her eyes I was able to realize the debts of my own selfishness.

And then the final blow came when I heard, in a quiet, content voice “you love Grandma; she is 90.  I am giving you this GIFT of time with her in your home so please receive it as such” … WOW!  Grandma in my house a gift?

Today, my Grandma is asleep in her room, Henry is the love of my life and my 7 kids are cranky, loud and hyper with Xmas anticipation – And I am finally at a place of humble acceptance to the gifts which God has bestowed upon me.  Not an easy journey – but a very necessary trip none the less!!  Happy days my friends~ ~Liz

  1. I am so glad you managed to have that talk with Henry. I can’t imagine progressing to a ‘bathbrush’, I think a hand and wooden spoon would have far exceeded my expectations! I think you will look back one day with love and treasure your memories of your time with your grandma. You are right – your time with her is a gift, because time is short and very precious. Many hugs, Ami

  2. This is a memorable post for me Liz, one that will play over again many times. I’m equally impressed that Henry fought your past with you. You’re really not alone, on so many levels. 🙂

    • It was a hard post to write but I wanted to get it down. And Henry is really surprising me with his ability to gently lead. Thanks for your comments and support. <>

  3. You sound like an amazing person! My mom lives with us, and it is not ideal….but the kids will always remember this time they had with Gram.

    • Hi Lucy – I’d love to hear about the ups and downs of your mom joining into your household – it’s a little bit better for me (because it is not my MOM), but Grandma is pretty particular and structured so that’s going to be a challenge.

  4. Don’t you just love those AHA moments. Enjoy. Your kids will benefit from time with grandma too.

  5. Wow, Liz. This is a beautiful post about perspective. And I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. This is a hard thing to do, to come to terms with how things affect others as well as ourselves. You did it beautifully, even if you did need a little help.

    (((hugs))) and continued blessings.

    • Hi June
      It was a hard post to write and I sat here crying as I tried to express my gratitude on paper. Thanks for your kind words and friendship. <> to you!

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