Life of Liz

Post 1/3…The Red Pill

In 1950's wife of Today, Authentic Life, In the Beginning, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill on March 12, 2013 at 6:26 am

redpill

A year in review:

It’s been about a year or so that Henry and I had a choice to make – we could boldly swallow the newly discovered Red Pill that we had begun to uncover, though that would mean gaining the ability to see clearly the painful truth of our failing marriage.  Or we could maintain the status quo and stay in our blissful (painful!) ignorance of an illusion; one that we could never seem to get right and which was marching us farther and farther apart.   This Red Pill dilemma came about six months after trying our hand new dynamic.  The one was an easy segue into the other (red pill reality) so we forged ahead. 

Simply stated, out of the 20+ years of marriage, it’s been about 18 months that Henry has been actively leading our marriage.  Imagine that!  For about 1 ½ year I have not been in a contentious power struggle to be the HoH (though until recently I did not even know what that meant: Head of Household).

Initially it felt as though we were both play-acting – sort of a ‘fake it til you make it’ approach.  We spent a lot of time reading established blogs and trying to digest the information.   Looking back, I did several things that significantly contributed to establishing my new identity.

     pre-Red Pill 

  • Dress – comfy, non-threatening to other women.  Some examples include non-fitted sweats or lounge pants, sloppy-sweatpantsboxy t-shirts, Bermuda shorts, Peter pan collars, Uggs, Sperry’s, ballerina flats, flip flops etc.
  • Appearance – comfy with very little time or energy given to what image may be projected.  No make-up; hair is worn up in a messy bun or pony at least 60% of the timedyke
  • Hair – Typically shorter and for a stretch really short
  • Smell – None, unless going out for a special occasion or for a girl’s night.
  • Attitude – selfish and demanding.  An acceptance that my ways are preferable and his ways are flawed.  Inflexible.  Demeaning and humiliating when I didn’t get my way. A dependence on him to create happiness for me/us.
  • Countenance – hostile and distant.  Also, inhospitable.

post Red Pill

girly

  • Dress – feminine and representative of outfits that Henry has previously complimented me on.  Items that make him look good while also making me feel like his wife.  Examples include fitted jeans, moderately sexy dresses, v-neck T’s, mid or high heeled shoes or boots.  Also included are summer sandals and other kitten heeled shoes that are girly.
  • Appearance – pulled together, which includes at least a minimal application of make-up (powder, eye liner and mascara), hair worn down and styled on 90% of occasions.
  • Hair – long, healthy and maintained.
  • Scent – a daily spritz of a scent that Henry likes.  A refresher just before he arrives home in the evening.
  • Attitude – appreciative, respectful and deferring (as applicable).  Consideration given to his opinions, desires and needs.   Flexible.  A realization that the world does not revolve around my wants and an acceptance that I am accountable for my own happiness.
  • Countenance – pleasant and easy going.  Also, agreeable.happy

At first glance the above lists may come across as superficial – but looking closer I can see very distinctly that “pre-Red-Pill Liz” put an emphasis on personal comfort and my own individual wants whereas “post Red-Pill Liz” has gained an appreciation for what Henry finds attractive and how his wants can be appreciated and respected.

I also started asking Henry’s permission to do things that I would NOT need his permission to do. This is a way of giving him power over my daily decisions and reminding me that his wishes should be considered.  That may sound extreme, but it was and is necessary to keep me in the correct frame of mind and it is a way to establish and remind myself to keep him in charge.kiss

Asking permission is a very difficult thing for me to do, especially in front of our very perceptive daughters.  Probably the only reason I am able to force myself to ask his permission is because the payoff is so apparent.  For both of us!

One of our early rules was for me to meet him at the door and give him a welcome home kiss; sounds easy, but it was hard to do with those seven sets of eyes watching my every move.  It also shows how distant we had grown that getting up and kissing my husband was a hard thing for me to do!

Preparing dinner and having it ready for him; noticing his glass is empty and refilling; noticing his shaving supplies are running low and replacing them.  These things are daily reminders that help me keep Henry in the forefront of my thinking.

Some days it would be easier to be comfy.  Sometimes I just don’t want to be reasonable or consider his needs/wants/desires.  It’s a process and not something that comes easily for me.  Truthfully, I often fail, although thankfully some things are becoming a habit and fitting themselves into my normal routines.  Hmm, after a year of making a conscience effort to be “post Red-Pill Liz” and after spending many hours devouring blogs and trying to glean any insights I can garner AND after seeing so many positive results in my marriage I can only say, these are things that have helped me, and … It’s a daily battle decision to make the effort to be “post Red-Pill Liz”!  …  

up next is Post 2/3… “put THAT in THERE?  Wait… what?”

And finally, Post 3/3 “Make no mistake, this is Henry’s House”

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  1. […] their marriage while also letting the husband grow in his leadership.  So I Read it … Got it … Acted on it … And once again we were soaring through the great unknown; Henry comfortably leading the charge […]

  2. […] the Life of Liz~ Post 1/3…The Red Pill […]

  3. “Truthfully, I often fail”

    The bad news is, you’re not perfect. But the good news is, he probably doesn’t expect you to be. I’m sure he fails too. But presumably, he tries to be a better husband, and makes progress. Likewise for you.

    Progress counts. Effort counts. Good for you. And him.

  4. Yeah, the permission thing is a little too much. I mean, don’t disappear for 3 weeks in Italy without saying soemthing, but you don’t have to be on hand and foot.

  5. This is awesome – just found you through Cappy Cap. It’s been right at a year for me taking the red pill, too & I’ve been doing a lot of the same things you have been doing.

    & yikes, “seven sets of eyes” – do you have seven kids? If so that’s amazing!

  6. I’m a big fan of making a big deal about the spouse arriving home from work with smooches right away, be it husband or wife. It’s a fun and easy way to show appreciation to them after being away from the home unit. Even if he didn’t say anything about how he didn’t like how you looked before, the fact that you’re looking more feminine is a big plus in my book. Pre-red pill beta AMD was afraid to hurt my wife’s feelings when she went with the short ‘do I didn’t particularly care for, but once I made it apparent long hair is much sexier, she’s been working on growing it long. Rar!

    • My husband was the same in regards to my hair…but now I know that he prefers long.

      Showing him affection and welcoming him back really does convey appreciation and sets the tone for the kids to follow suit…I really want to cut down on any of the entitled mentality!!

  7. Sounds as if you’ve come a long way. Happy it’s working for you.

  8. Did you husband feel awkward at all with the asking permission aspect of things? This is something that I’m doing with my husband too and sometimes it seems to make him uncomfortable. I feel like a lot of his feelings are because of my attitude toward having his permission to do anything prior to RP wisdom. I guess I’m hoping things will start to come more naturally.

    • It doesn’t make Henry uncomfortable. I think he realizes its somewhat of a game to help me feel my submission and keep me plugged into us and him. It is simple but hard! The results are exactly what is desired too.

      I am glad you found my blog. I look forward to reading yours too!

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