Life of Liz

Deliberately managing my own feelings … hmm

In Authentic Life, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill, Submission ... Oh My! on March 29, 2013 at 10:27 am

Henry and I are off. man

It is a pattern that I am very familiar with; he spends extra time at the office … staying until 9 pm most nights and also working Saturdays.  He continues to work when he is home.  And for a while I am able to maintain the home front and set aside my feelings of isolation from him, us.  But somewhere around the end of the second or third week is when I reach my limit.  The detachment, fatigue and irritations begin to mount and before you know it WHAM the cycle takes on a life all its own. bam

I’ve said before “submission is a choice, not a feeling”  and so it is in that spirit that I am making a choice to ignore the escalating grumbling in my head (what he’s not doing for me) and instead I am focused on planning a special night for him and I tomorrow evening.

Step 1:  Dinner

I’ve purposely chosen a meal that takes thoughtful planning and careful preparation; a meal that is not my favorite, but one that is Henry’s.  My plan is to see if through making a conscience and deliberate choice to do something nice for Henry, even though I don’t really feel like being nice at all – will help me (us) avert a meltdown.


Here is the menu I am planning:

  • Orange and Beet Salad
  • Rosa Di Parma – stuffed pork tenderloin
  • Brussels sprouts in a Sherry Bacon Cream Sauce
  • Balsamic Strawberries with Whipped Mascarpone Cheese

beetsaladbeefBrusselSproutsInCream-734798 balsamic-strawberries-with-whipped-mascarpone-cheese

Step 2: Relaxation

  • Hot bath
  • Message complete with music and oil
  •  Either this Bow-back-Cheeky-panty-222x300  or this thigh

I’ve pulled out the recipes and made a grocery list and I’ll swing by the mall this afternoon … all of which has already started to soften my mindset into one of service and giving.   Just by doing something exclusively for him I’ve already started to to change my mindset … I am already feeling closer to him which means I am less likely to be defensive  when he eventually calls to say he is working late once again tonight.  I will be free to be supportive and feel comforted by my secret knowledge that we will have  a very special night tomorrow!  Hmm … it almost feels like I am (for possibly the first time EVER) taking an active role in managing my own feelings and subsequently my own happiness.



  1. Wow Liz. This is a bit uncanny. My husband just finished up 6-8 weeks of this. 12-15 hours a day for 7 days a week. If this is something that you two have to go through a couple of times a year every year and you have your head in the right place, I really think this will be easier for you.

    I say that because I was right where you are a couple of years ago. It was really, really hard to remember how much he did NOT want to be at work and that he wasn’t doing something to me. I can now say, that except for very brief moments of insanity (literally moments. A second or two at most), I no longer get angry because after time I did get it into my head that I needed to work extra hard for him during this time just as he is working extra hard for me. Because is reality, he is. He is working that hard for me and the kids. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have a job anymore. So, I tell him at the beginning of these times, “you need to let me know exactly what I can do to make these next weeks easier for you. Just name it and I will do my best to make it happen.” This mindset makes a big difference for me and I no longer get that nagging sense of anger and frustration. I feel at peace and that I am contributing to him and our family during this very busy time.

    Keep thinking about what he wants and what will make this easier for him. Be warm and serve him and you will likely be very surprised at how close the two of you are when his time comes to be home at 6:00 again. He will miss you and likely does very much now. But doing all of this will have him missing you even more and wanting to spend even more time together when things slow down for him. I’m not saying you should do it so he misses you, it’s simply a natural reaction to the warmth you will be able to give him in this process.

    • Hi there, I just re-read your comment and very much appreciate your advice. It is all true – I am unfortunately not handling this go’round as gracefully as I could be … and I realize it. Today I actually executed the dinner I attempted to make last week. Idk if it was being in the kitchen and/or doing something nice for him, but it has really given me a fresh perspective and speaks to your “mindset” suggestion. I do feel much more at peace by the way. Thank you so much!!

      • You’re welcome and I am very glad that it worked out. I hope the two of you had a wonderful dinner (it sounds amazing and I really want to try those brussels sprouts, but I am the only one in the house who likes them!). Hang in there as it only keeps getting easier.

  2. That’s funny, I was just thinking that the pink looks sweet but the black looks sexy.

  3. Liz, this is what my boyfriend goes through as well – 3-4 weeks of being at work all the time/distant/with friends/watching TV and 3-4 weeks of being super affectionate with me. Is this what all men are like no matter what? I can’t figure it out if it’s messed up or if all men are like that and I should just suck it up and stop being a little brat.

    • Hi Alice,
      I can’t speak for why other men work extra long hours, but Henry works in finance and has to meet deadlines determined by the government, which are usually unrealistic b/c of previous staff cuts etc so he is on a constant roller coaster of work/work/work at quarter ends and then ‘catch up’ in between. The cycle we are in right now has been particularly hard b/c he is at a new company and was brought in to ‘fix’ their mess. It all sounds so logical when I type it out but I really struggle with not taking it personal and remembering that he is under enormous pressures and that given his preference he would rather be home at 6. In the past I would get so angry at the loop sided work/life balance that I would end up ruining the limited time we did have together. That is why I decided to plan the special evening for us b/c it put the focus on blessing him for the extra hours he has to put in instead of focusing on me and my need. Does that make sense?

  4. I like the pink panties best.

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