Life of Liz

Archive for the ‘Goal’ Category

A Question for Men

In Authentic Life, Goal, Red Pill on April 12, 2013 at 6:30 am

I love seeing life through post red pill glasses.  For example, I recently helped chaperon a field trip for my 6th grade daughter.  In all, 75 kids, mostly all 12 years of age.  The trip required a bus trip into the city, which meant an hour each direction so I was able to spend some quality time and gain a bird’s eye view of their interactions.  Here are some things I observed:

Jonathan, a twin was the first boy to catch my attention.  He’s is easily shorter than most, but what he lacks in height he made up for in confidence.    This kid was equally charming, yet respectful to adults and up for anything and playful with both boys and girls. In fact, while we were waiting for the buses to come back for our return trip he took a dare and danced to his iPhone, pretending to be a street performer.   That held the attention of girls that were easy going and cute – but eye rolls from another group of girls that were pretty, but awkward.  He could also rattle off upcoming games for our local MLB teams, how the local NBA team would fare in the playoffs and why he thinks the Kings should remain in Sacramento so it appeared he also had a niche within the boys club.  And I noticed less confident boys navigating towards him, trying to appear as though they were in his group.  I didn’t know boys did that!

How will he fare as he gets older?

Will he jump at the chance to become tied to a girlfriend and let her rule his life? If she breaks his heart will he recover?  If he doesn’t get taller (and the other boys do) will it affect his confidence?  Or will he date many girls through out high school and graduate with his confidence through the roof?  By the way, his twin brother doesn’t have the same charisma and also seems introverted – but doesn’t cower to his more outgoing twin.

Boy Group:  Not very well defined, but probably 10-15 that comprised the core. For the most part they were able to completely entertain themselves without involving the girls.  However, I soon noticed Girl Group #2 was always near by and watching or interacting with the boys.  The girls came to them.  Will this change in high school?  I’ve read a lot of manosphere blogs that speak to the toll high school can take on a boys self confidence so I am wondering if most boys possess self confidence prior to high school and if they do, what happens when they get into high school?  As a side note, it seemed the core 10-15 boys were confident and comfortable and unlike a girls’ group I did not perceive any power struggles or one upping behavior.

Girl Group #1:  A small exclusive group (less than 12) that was made up of  pretty, but somewhat awkward girls that seemed to serve the purpose of making the other kids feel self conscience.  At first I assumed this was the ‘popular’ group, but upon a second glance I didn’t know.  They didn’t smile much; they played on their phones and looked around to see who may have been noticing them.  They seemed to understand (at 12!) how to dress for boys.  Honestly, they appeared bored with life already.  Later on my daughter confirmed they were the ‘popular’ group … but for how long is my question.  In high school will their looks be enough to attract the boys?   Do 14-17 year old boys care about more than appearances?

Girl Group #2:  Larger and less well defined, made up of easy going ‘cute’ girls at first glance and seemed to be the up and coming group.  That is until I put on my Red Pill glasses and spied mostly short hair, androgynous dress and very little femininity.    If this group figures out how to be girls they could go far because I perceived they made the boys feel comfortable and they were fun to be around and could be prettier with longer hair and more girlie attire.

My daughter is in Group 2, although she does have long hair.  But I understand raising daughters.  I’ll keep finding creative ways to nurture her femininity so that hopefully she’ll receive some positive feedback which will set her up for success in 5-10 years.

My son though is an entirely different animal!  So men, if you were able to go back to middle school and then re-do high school what would you do differently?  How would you make that time of your life better?

A boy … and society’s plot to change that!

In Authentic Life, Goal, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill, Wisdom on February 20, 2013 at 10:21 am

boy

We want our son to be a boy and someday be a man.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Think again.  OK, to be fair, I came into this “mom of a son” thing with ZERO experience or expectation of what makes a boy tick.  Especially when you add in my background – a very controlling female role model in my mother; a very weak, beta-ized image of a man as seen in my dad constantly trying to appease my mother (who was often/many/ times Bat Shit Crazy; my own attempts at control in my own marriage (and yes, often that included Bat Shit Crazy moments and a long run on the hamster wheel) … Add in that our first 6 are daughters—and since our oldest is soon to be turning 21 – at minimum our 3 oldest girls grew up in the hey day of GIRL POWER – including the t-shirts and constant commentary of Girls are Better!girls

I don’t remember seeing any similar t-shirts for boys – either I wasn’t looking or boys (men) don’t feel the need to proclaim their superiority on their clothing? 

Anyhow, by the time our son was born I had gotten the message that girls were well behaved and wanted to learn and excel and boys were, well just NOT.  Not well behaved … had no desire to learn … not easy, not polite, not …. Anything that was similar to my daughters.  When our son was very young – maybe two (?) I actually reprimanded HIM for complaining when his sister (18 month older) took away his truck.  Yep I did!  Because SHE was the princess and HE needed to be fixed … and if I didn’t FIX him I had already seen how ‘his type’ was treated in my daughters’ classrooms.  Thankfully – just about this time, and I do consider this Divine Intervention, I stumbled upon some Red Pill references and then some Dd references and then had the moment described here and lo and behold Henry and I moved forward – for the first time in 20+ years.

OK, back to the point – We now saw clearly the obstacles our only son would surely face and we made a commitment .. and we have never looked back from …  making sure our son is free to be a boy and someday be a man.

But oh how much easier it would have been to just raise a BetaBoy!  We would get tons of support from educators – this is a true account of how one teacher (who is a really good lady who really loves kids) manages a class of 30 five year olds – who are sitting quietly on their appropriately colored carpet squares – and squirming ever so slightly – “ OK boys and girls, lets give ourselves a hug kinderand calm ourselves down; take a deep breath and get ready to listen to what I am about to tell you” … or

“No, we don’t allow balls anymore during recess; it is just too dangerous (the ball in question is a kickball type ball)”.

Ok, no balls.  What about running around on the playground?balls

“No, we prefer the kids don’t play on the grass during school hours (including recess) because they might get grass stains if they fall” …

Hmm, what are they permitted to do?

“ We’ve installed this beautiful, colorful play structure (at which point she pauses and gently shouts “boys, remember to wait your turn in line, everyone will get a chance to go down the slide”.

Well that sounds like fun, huh?

So this morning I opened the paper and read the headline … Cal coach Mike Montgomery’s shove ‘unacceptable’

Wow, that sounds bad!  A coach shoving a player; I buy it hook, line and sinker.  hook  Henry walks into the room and I express my outrage (our 2nd daughter plays D1 basketball so my protective mothering has kicked into high gear).

He replies “have you seen the shove?

And so we watch it

Wait – what?  This can’t be the shove … This video is of a coach – saying, very clearly “do you want to play?” to a highly talented athlete.  According to the newspaper this wasn’t necessarily the first time this very talented athlete had pushed his coaches’ buttons …

“Problem is that Montgomery wants consistent intensity, the ultra-talented Crabbe is not wired to deliver it, and this gets under the coach’s skin.”

So what happened after the shove?  The player took a spot on the end of Cal’s bench for a brief minute before the coach put him back in, and then took over from that point on.  He ended the game with a game high 23 points, 10 rebounds, 6 steals, 1 assist and 1 block.  He had is first double/double of the season – he hit a season high of five 3 pointers.  And they won – trailing by 15 with 16:01 – Cal went on to win the game 76-68 and the player (Crabbe) went on to score 10/23 points in the final 4 ½ minutes of the game.  The situation definitely sparked Crabbe, who scored 14 points in the second half after the Bears fell behind 47-32.  It also ignited the rest of the Bears, who closed the game on a 25-7 run.  And since it is a conference game – with both teams entering the game with an equal W/L, Cal walked away 8-5 and USC 7-6.  It was a needed win for the TEAM.  After the game – before the coach got wind of the nonsense of PC … this is what he had to say

“Worked, didn’t it?” Montgomery said of the exchange with Crabbe. “Allen Crabbe had come down twice went to the wrong side of the court and his guy shot two 3’s. I was trying to get him going. Probably overdid it a little bit but Allen’s my guy. We can’t win if he is not ready to play.”

And the team won.  So, what did the player make of the exchange?

“An emotional game was going on at the time and I guess he was just trying to motivate me,” said Crabbe, who also had 10 rebounds and six steals. “But everything’s fine. It’s under the bridge. He’s my coach, no hard feelings. We’re just going to keep moving on.”

I think Coach Montgomery made the right call.  I see this exchange as an acceptable version of Man Up.  This is from Ian Ironwood’s blog

When men tell other men to “Man Up” (usually) they are trying to improve the condition of the other man. In the Male Social Matrix men are generally encouraged to help each other like that as part of the process of turning a Guy in to a Man . . . or simply providing moral support for a difficult issue. While the emphasis in the MSM is overtly on competition between men, a long list of masculine codes, from basic sportsmanship to battlefield chivalry, are designed to mitigate that competitive nature by tacitly providing assistance to less-able men

The confrontation between Montgomery and Crabbe proved to be the tipping point of the game.  The coach (Man #1) wanted the player (Man #2) to improve his play.  And while the coach no doubt wanted (needed) to win this game, his statement above “Probably overdid it a little bit but Allen’s my guy” tells us he cares about this young man.  He knows that if this kid is going to have a future in basketball, he needs the “ultra talented Crabbe” to develop “consistent intensity” to reach the highest rung of his potential.  Or put more simply

When men tell other men to “Man Up” (usually) they are trying to improve the condition of the other man

Henry and I WANT our son to be pushed to be his best – and doesn’t it seem more appropriate for that shove to come from, well, another MAN?

So, the articles and the media attention about the shove have made me realize that it’s going to be a long, hard road to make sure our son is free to be a boy and someday be a man is achieved.

As an aside, our college athlete daughter had caught wind of the headline and had this to say … “I am constantly screamed at and emotionally manipulated by my female coaches and I never really know what they want out of me – at least Crabbe got a clear message – and he responded and they won.”  She then wondered “I bet Crabbe is kinda embarrassed, I mean – he’s the best player and he wasn’t working hard and his coach called him out and now his coach is getting bad media. And he’s probably thankful he did call him out and it’s a good thing for Crabbe that he did turn it around because if they would have lost, the papers would have written for days about Crabbe letting everyone down.”

But as it stands, the coach has now apologized, the school AD has expressed her outrage and the media is shocked that this could have happened.  I guess on the positive side, the up and coming generation of current kindergartners probably won’t turn into ultra competitive ball players, but instead will one day be stars in the cut throat sport of “Turn Taking” – sure to make D1 programs at a local university near you soon!

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