Life of Liz

Archive for the ‘In the Beginning’ Category

Post 1/3…The Red Pill

In 1950's wife of Today, Authentic Life, In the Beginning, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill on March 12, 2013 at 6:26 am

redpill

A year in review:

It’s been about a year or so that Henry and I had a choice to make – we could boldly swallow the newly discovered Red Pill that we had begun to uncover, though that would mean gaining the ability to see clearly the painful truth of our failing marriage.  Or we could maintain the status quo and stay in our blissful (painful!) ignorance of an illusion; one that we could never seem to get right and which was marching us farther and farther apart.   This Red Pill dilemma came about six months after trying our hand new dynamic.  The one was an easy segue into the other (red pill reality) so we forged ahead. 

Simply stated, out of the 20+ years of marriage, it’s been about 18 months that Henry has been actively leading our marriage.  Imagine that!  For about 1 ½ year I have not been in a contentious power struggle to be the HoH (though until recently I did not even know what that meant: Head of Household).

Initially it felt as though we were both play-acting – sort of a ‘fake it til you make it’ approach.  We spent a lot of time reading established blogs and trying to digest the information.   Looking back, I did several things that significantly contributed to establishing my new identity.

     pre-Red Pill 

  • Dress – comfy, non-threatening to other women.  Some examples include non-fitted sweats or lounge pants, sloppy-sweatpantsboxy t-shirts, Bermuda shorts, Peter pan collars, Uggs, Sperry’s, ballerina flats, flip flops etc.
  • Appearance – comfy with very little time or energy given to what image may be projected.  No make-up; hair is worn up in a messy bun or pony at least 60% of the timedyke
  • Hair – Typically shorter and for a stretch really short
  • Smell – None, unless going out for a special occasion or for a girl’s night.
  • Attitude – selfish and demanding.  An acceptance that my ways are preferable and his ways are flawed.  Inflexible.  Demeaning and humiliating when I didn’t get my way. A dependence on him to create happiness for me/us.
  • Countenance – hostile and distant.  Also, inhospitable.

post Red Pill

girly

  • Dress – feminine and representative of outfits that Henry has previously complimented me on.  Items that make him look good while also making me feel like his wife.  Examples include fitted jeans, moderately sexy dresses, v-neck T’s, mid or high heeled shoes or boots.  Also included are summer sandals and other kitten heeled shoes that are girly.
  • Appearance – pulled together, which includes at least a minimal application of make-up (powder, eye liner and mascara), hair worn down and styled on 90% of occasions.
  • Hair – long, healthy and maintained.
  • Scent – a daily spritz of a scent that Henry likes.  A refresher just before he arrives home in the evening.
  • Attitude – appreciative, respectful and deferring (as applicable).  Consideration given to his opinions, desires and needs.   Flexible.  A realization that the world does not revolve around my wants and an acceptance that I am accountable for my own happiness.
  • Countenance – pleasant and easy going.  Also, agreeable.happy

At first glance the above lists may come across as superficial – but looking closer I can see very distinctly that “pre-Red-Pill Liz” put an emphasis on personal comfort and my own individual wants whereas “post Red-Pill Liz” has gained an appreciation for what Henry finds attractive and how his wants can be appreciated and respected.

I also started asking Henry’s permission to do things that I would NOT need his permission to do. This is a way of giving him power over my daily decisions and reminding me that his wishes should be considered.  That may sound extreme, but it was and is necessary to keep me in the correct frame of mind and it is a way to establish and remind myself to keep him in charge.kiss

Asking permission is a very difficult thing for me to do, especially in front of our very perceptive daughters.  Probably the only reason I am able to force myself to ask his permission is because the payoff is so apparent.  For both of us!

One of our early rules was for me to meet him at the door and give him a welcome home kiss; sounds easy, but it was hard to do with those seven sets of eyes watching my every move.  It also shows how distant we had grown that getting up and kissing my husband was a hard thing for me to do!

Preparing dinner and having it ready for him; noticing his glass is empty and refilling; noticing his shaving supplies are running low and replacing them.  These things are daily reminders that help me keep Henry in the forefront of my thinking.

Some days it would be easier to be comfy.  Sometimes I just don’t want to be reasonable or consider his needs/wants/desires.  It’s a process and not something that comes easily for me.  Truthfully, I often fail, although thankfully some things are becoming a habit and fitting themselves into my normal routines.  Hmm, after a year of making a conscience effort to be “post Red-Pill Liz” and after spending many hours devouring blogs and trying to glean any insights I can garner AND after seeing so many positive results in my marriage I can only say, these are things that have helped me, and … It’s a daily battle decision to make the effort to be “post Red-Pill Liz”!  …  

up next is Post 2/3… “put THAT in THERE?  Wait… what?”

And finally, Post 3/3 “Make no mistake, this is Henry’s House”

“a Sighting of the Shrew”

In In the Beginning on January 27, 2013 at 8:11 am

Bossy wife 13Henry investigated accepting a new job last week for all the typical reasons (advancement, pay, benefits, etc).  The only negative was the location – about 40 minutes from home, whereas he currently works 10 minutes away.  Well to make a long story short, his current employer matched the new offer (at least financially) which set off an entire week of weighing the pros and cons of each offer. Here are some things that I learned:

  • Henry is not as ‘polite’ as me!  Let me explain.  During the process of deciding between offer 1 and offer 2 – both companies had to wait for his decision.  Henry was comfortable making them wait.  This was hard for me because, well it seemed rude to make someone wait and also what if they changed their mind while they were waiting or what if they were offended b/c he made them wait??  Difference one between me and H…he has the b*lls to play chicken.
  • Both offers were good yet Henry negotiated for more!  No – you don’t ask for more than what was offered!
  • I wanted a decision and I wanted to move on and I didn’t want to weigh and re-weigh the pros and cons AGAIN.  2nd Difference between us … Henry is patient and willing to thoroughly examine a situation from all angles so he can be 100% comfortable with the decision.  Me, not so much, but then again – I don’t support 9 people.  Is it because I could more easily reach a decision and then shrug off the ramifications of a poor choice?
  •  I still have an involuntary knee-jerk reaction to proclaim any version of “man up”!   I thought that had fallen away in my new enlightenment, but it was so very easy to slip backward and it took considerable effort to not fall!  Ok, maybe I slipped a little…
  • I took Henry’s thoroughness as a sign of weakness and I pounced!  For a brief moment the Shrew was baack!!

talkIn the end he asked the new company for more … and they said yes; His last day was Friday and next week he starts a new chapter, at a new company.  Somewhere in the middle I saw how far we’ve come and how much further I have to go!

Submission is not a feeling, it is a Choice

In Authentic Life, In the Beginning, Out of the Comfort Zone, Wisdom on January 16, 2013 at 8:03 am

I found this article very interesting.  I became a Stepford wife and saved my marriage. I’ve pulled out some key parts, but I encourage you to read it in its entirety.  It drew a lot of parallels to my own life/marriage and how we’ve been able to incorporate the philosophies of ‘surrender’.

Ellen says: ‘More and more women are working, becoming CEOs of companies and gaining status in the work world. It is very hard for them to come home and be a feminine person and a wife, and be loving and soft and caring – they just come home with this boss attitude instead.’  

No, I have not worked since we have had kids, but the transition from being the CEO running a large family into Henry’s wife is similar.

When I first began surrendering to Henry, in seemingly small and insignificant ways, our 17 yo daughter was visibly uncomfortable.  The contrast between Liz pS (preSurrender) and Liz PS (PostSurrender) is night and day and her reaction both amazed and saddened me.

But I didn’t actually realize just how much my behavior had affected the whole family until I gave in to Ali for the first time, and both he and Yasmin started to cry because they were so happy and relieved.’

Our house, our kids have benefited numerous ways from my shift into a Surrender Wife. A great thing about kids is when you start missing the mark, or more simply, when I slip back into Liz pS, they are not afraid to say something, even if it is painful to hear!  Last week our 5 year old son said “Mommy, if wives always yell at the dads then why do the dad’s want to come home?  Why don’t the dad’s go play instead of getting in trouble?”  Hard to hear, yes.  But it showed how far we had come because a year ago, me yelling at H would not have anyone batting an eye.

So it is not for lack of compelling positive reactions that make the Surrendered Wife road the right choice for me, but   Karen says it well;

‘I have been raised as an independent woman and the Surrendered Wife movement goes against everything I’ve stood for.

Yep!  And everything society tells us we should want.

‘But, incredibly, it has saved my marriage.

Mine too!

I don’t do more housework – I do less, because Ali is so amazed to be thanked so nicely for every small thing he does that he has started loading the dishwasher for the first time in years.

‘Before, I would just have criticized him for putting the dishes in the wrong way. He is so thrilled with the “New” Karen that he even told me to sit and watch a film the other night so he could do the ironing.

As I willingly defer to Henry’s leadership I too find that he is self motivated to do the small things that I probably nagged him about NOT doing for years.  pS Liz was very concerned in making sure H did ‘his fair share’ and it caused many hurt feelings and unfulfilled expectations.  Post surrender, we’ve even had an occasional tiff when he’s tried to clean up the kitchen after dinner and it only serves to make ME want to see HIM relaxing after HIS day at the office.  What am I to do?  Well, I am not sure of the correct answer, but once I insisted I would clean up; and once I submitted myself to his desire to bless me and he cleaned up.  Either way, it turned out as a win-win.

What has become apparent to me in the chaos of the last 6 weeks is Henry’s willingness to engage and lead US back onto solid ground.

‘He appreciates there is a closeness between us that we had lost.’

Liz pS used to be the one trying to fix our marriage with whatever ideas Redbook or Self suggested.  Now looking back I realize I was trying to change Henry into my version of who I thought he should be.  The problem with that is I really didn’t know who I wanted him to be and in hind sight – the man I married 20 years ago, the man who could run his own life and handle anything – the man I tried to beat out of Henry is the man I NEEDED him to be and Redbook offered no advice to get HIM back.

Ali himself – a husband so henpecked he still bears mental scars – agrees his wife’s change of character altered the dynamics of their marriage dramatically

I guess this post is more about reminding myself to make the internal choice to stay focused on what is really important for me, our marriage and our family to live in harmony.

Just as I believe ‘Love is not a feeling, it is a Commitment’ going forward I want to remind myself that likewise “Submission is not a feeling, it is a Choice”. Because in the end, it is all about the choices we make.

 

 

Welcome to Motherhood!!!

In In the Beginning on January 8, 2013 at 11:47 am

 

Have Men been SUBMISSIVE to Women?

In 1950's wife of Today, Authentic Life, In the Beginning, Red Pill on December 2, 2012 at 9:36 am

I have a lot of rambling thoughts; please bear with me as I try to write a cohesive post.  I am going to use Henry as my reference point, but to a large degree ‘Henry’ could be replaced with the name of any man – or ‘Men in general’.  Likewise, when I reference myself – you can easily replace your name – or “Women in general”. This post was easier for me to write in the 3rd person.

Henry is reasonable.  He is not quick to react and does not act in haste.  He is not prone to display his emotions during a heated debate.  Adjectives used to describe him are logical, practical and level headed.

Liz is volatile.  She likes to get things done quickly and has often jumped in before examining all the mitigating factors.  She is emotional.  Adjectives used to describe her are impulsive, unpredictable and unstable. 

Every time ‘Henry’ is referenced think of the above and do likewise for ‘Liz’ references.

For the first 19 years of their marriage, Liz was the de facto leader of their union.  Liz won her position by exploiting Henry; by using the essence of his Manhood against him.  Translation …  She flipped his strengths and turned them into weaknesses.  Take Henry’s nature to not act hastily.  Liz was able to convince Henry his thoughtful nature was a fault.  She used convincing arguments to support her POV, the loudest being “you’re not leading us the way I think it should be done” translation “you’re not a man”.  She countered Henry’s logical and level headedness with unpredictable and emotion laden outburst.  Henry resented Liz and over the course of 19 years many power struggles ensued.  Being an alpha male by nature – Henry won a majority of the battles.  And then Liz played her trump card.   She countered with unrelenting determination every effort by Henry to live in a logical, practical environment which in turned forced him, in an effort to save himself, to seemingly SUBMIT to her de facto leadership.

Synonyms for the word Submit:   abide, accede, acknowledge, acquiesce, agree, appease, concede, defer, give in, give way, go with the flow, grin and bear it, humor, indulge, kowtow, lay down arms, obey, put up with, quit, relent, relinquish, resign oneself, stoop, succumb, surrender, throw in the towel, toe the line, tolerate, truckle, withstand, yield

Still, Liz was not satisfied.  She wasn’t leading Henry; he had simply removed himself (not physically, but definitely emotionally) from her 19 year reign of terror.

And then it happened.  Either through Divine intervention or basic human survival Liz was able to catch a glimpse of what she had spent 19 years creating.   She saw a contentious marriage to a withdrawn and resentful man.  She saw her 6 daughters grow up as good students (or maybe she was a very resourceful teacher?) already mimicking her Total Domination Relationship Management techniques in their relationships.  Liz knew she was unfulfilled as a wife and mother.

I wish I could write that things immediately ‘fixed’ themselves.  They did not because it takes more than a realization to bring about permanent change.  Permanent change requires time and patience.  Please re-read the words used to describe Henry, which is pretty incriminating for Liz.

Definition of Submission: the action of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another.  Humility, compliance.

I am ending with the definition of Submission because without Liz accepting her role within the marriage it is impossible for Henry to be the leader he is called to be.  This is not to imply his leadership is dependent upon her submission, but rather a belief that a logical person will naturally shy away from an unpredictable situation.

Men have the innate qualities to lead women if we believe men are logical, practical and level headed.  Today, Liz is able to see Henry for who is has been all along.   And that is where we end out story for today.

Authentic Life … part 2

In Authentic Life, In the Beginning, Out of the Comfort Zone on November 30, 2012 at 10:03 am

I’ve been guilty of presenting the appearance of success while the truth of failure lurked beneath the surface.  Like Thanksgiving dinners from my past, my marriage looked successful on the outside but it was very close to failure.  The kids appeared successful, but beneath the surface was a different story.  Our oldest daughter had adopted my attachment to perfection and as the stresses of her junior year in high school escalated, she engaged in self harm as a means of coping when it became apparent to her  .… no one is perfect.  I was fortunate; I clued into her secret and helped her find more productive ways to cope and accept herself.  A year later when others heard she was accepted to ‘XYZ’ universities they would have never imagined what went on below the surface which lead to those acceptance letters.  False Appearance …

Our third daughter, Maggy at 17 is doing well in school and is active in extracurricular activities … No one would ever suspect the struggles we encountered before I could even consider writing the above sentence. The truth is she had a lot of difficulty in school, which we wrote off as her ‘not applying herself’ until she was 15 years old and her math teacher challenged our logic.  She had to fail a lot before I would even entertain that there might be an explanation other than she wasn’t applying herself.  False Appearance …

In the case of Elizabeth, Maggy and my marriage, I am glad I see things much clearer today.  I like the reference to the Matrix films – the metaphor of the red pill, which refers to waking up from an illusion and suddenly realizing that everything is quite different than how you always thought it was…

To a large part, the shift from my Über controlling former self is directly related to a daily dose of the Red Pill.  Because before taking the Red Pill, everywhere I looked reconfirmed on a daily basis that husbands (men in general) are inept and in need of a strong (controlling) women to help them through life.   My Mom treated my Dad the same way my friends treated their husbands … with very little respect and often with contempt.  Now I look back and see why the men in my world couldn’t be our leaders — I (my Mom, my girlfriends) wouldn’t let them.   We challenged, shamed and humiliated them at every turn.     And it is in reminding myself daily of the illusion of my past  – and of authentically accepting how wrong my views were –  that keeps me anchored in my desire to be a submitted wife.

On a daily basis I am mostly happy to have the clarity to see what is really going on with my kids and my marriage … although there were periods when dealing with Elizabeth’s self harm that I questioned my ability to help lead her to a safer place.  It crossed my mind (in passing) “ wouldn’t it have been more comfortable to sit back, have a glass of wine and not notice the little clues she was leaving for me?”  That is what many of my friends do with their teens; the turn a blind eye to behavior they know is taking place.  Maybe their teens aren’t self harming in the way Elizabeth was, but many use drugs or alcohol to numb their reality.  It was an equally daunting journey when we began to address Maggy’s ADHD.  It would have been a lot easier to continue blaming her for being lazy or unmotivated but once I knew the truth, I felt compelled to act accordingly.

The red pill analogy correlates so perfectly well to my marriage.  Submission to Henry is my red pill reality; he is the leader and I am the follower.  Believing a married couple can live as equals and co-lead the marriage is not reality but instead a fairy tale that I bought into for 20 years.  My illusion.

Saturday night I tried to block my Red Pill vision and hide behind BLACK OUT GLASSES;  pretend the concepts of my marriage were unclear to me.   Henry (who has advanced red pill vision) recognized how much I needed a reminder of my place in our marriage. But because I refused to submit, the ‘reminder’ turned longer than anticipated.  Henry did a couple of things  – first, he challenged my attempt to go into the ‘isolation bubble’; he told me in no uncertain terms that it would be HIM and I together as we move closer to Grandma’s move-in date and my stress escalates.  He also refused to let me dictate how the night would unfold.

Later when we went to bed I tried to explain to Henry why I had so much trouble submitting to him when it was obviously needed.  As I at first tried to justify myself I instead began to realize the truth behind why I was unable to let go of my fears or my pride and submit to his leadership.  At first I thought it was a step backwards and I was surprised and a little (a lot) disappointed with myself.  However I now think it was a step forward because even though I wasn’t willingly submitting to Henry’s leadership – but because of Henry’s determination I was able to recognize the ‘line in the sand’ that I instantly draw that allows my isolation bubble to wind tightly around me and in turn keeps me from living an AUTHENTIC life, which is the life I desire. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense?

When I use red pill vision to look back over the last 20 years, it has not been easy nor does it look very pretty.  And then there are the days where I see clearly how my behavior or attitude is not becoming of a submitted wife and also does not lead to a harmonious family life – I see clearly what effect a comment will have but sometimes still choose to make the comment. That is where Henry comes in … paddles a swinging to help me get back to my base and not ever fall back into the illusion and the appearance of success while the truth of failure is lurking.  ~Liz

Liebster Award!

In In the Beginning on November 19, 2012 at 11:59 am

Thanks Fiona for nominating me for the

Liebster Award!

I am happy to share and glad to nominate others.  Here are the rules.

  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one’s own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into one’s blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them)
  • Here are the questions Fiona asked and my answers:
    1.  What’s your favorite implement for spanking? Definitely Henry’s hand
    2.  What is your favorite dessert? Tiramisu
    3.  What’s your favorite toy in your arsenal? Hmm, how can I pick a fav without making the other toys sad?
    4.  What is your favorite sport (whether to play or watch)? Basketball
    5.  City life or country life? I go back and forth by country life is appealing right now!
    6.  What’s your favorite pair of shoes?  Black pumps
    7.  Are you with a significant other?  If so, for how long? We’ve been married 20 years, altogether 25 years
    8.  Swallow, spit or pull out?  (either you do or have your partner do) Pull out!
    9.  What would your motto be? To whom much is given, much is required
    10.  Most interesting class you ever took in school? Sociology of Cliques
    11.  Describe your kink in 11 words or less. Be rough and strong so I  can be feminine and submissive.
    Here 11 facts about me!  
    1. I prefer baths to showers
    2.  My favorite time of the day is dusk
    3.  I love to cook and try new recipes, but I am a very picky eater!
    4.  I have coached both soccer and basketball teams for my kids
    5.   I hate to wash my hair and will use dry shampoo to go as long as possible from a single wash.
    6.  My sister is my best friend; we talk 2-3 times a day
    7.  When I was 10 I asked my grandma to be the Matron of Honor in my wedding and she was (of course I was 26!).  
    8.    I love Henry’s forearms
    9.  I could eat pizza everyday
    10. I love anything that is salty
    11.  Rain makes me feel content
     
    Here are my questions for you:
    1. Do you prefer baths to showers?
    2.  What is your favorite food?
    3.  Were you in a clique in high school?  Which one?
    4.  What is the best part of your day and why
    5.   When do you open your Christmas presents?
    6.  Chocolate chip cookies with or without nuts?
    7.  What type of car do you drive?  
    8.  What is your favorite implement? 
    9.  Are you cooking thanksgiving dinner?
    10. Favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s?
    11.  Leather or Wood?
    I am still notifying those that I am nominating and will post their names later (hopefully later today!)

submission…an answer to prayer?

In In the Beginning on October 30, 2012 at 5:52 am

Marriage is such a complex journey.  Lately I’ve been really clued into the ways Henry and I are able to communicate in ways we haven’t in 20(?) years.  Sometimes I feel like I am getting to know him for the first time and I am confused by the image that shows clearer each day.  I keep thinking “how could this wise, patient and kind man have been hidden from me for so long?” A year ago things were so very different.   I most often felt on my own.  The outside image of our family was still shiny, but the inside was crumbling fast. 

After a particularly long weekend of arguing, distancing and verbal assaults I remember lying in bed and crying.  I was just miserable really.  I was so unhappy for so many reasons however a singular strand ran thru all of my misery – what Henry was NOT doing to meet my needs.  Things had been unwinding for a long time; we had stopped communicating and he was usually distant and protecting himself from my verbal assaults.  85% of our weekends included arguing, harsh accusations, distancing and then brushing it under the rug so we could start the hamster wheel of Monday.   Our sex life was perfunctory, at best.  Our older daughters were modeling my behavior and treating H disrespectfully and a dynamic of ‘us vs him’ started playing out in our house.

So this particularly long weekend I had retreated upstairs to our bedroom and as I laid there and played back the past 20 years; and I fast forwarded through the next 14 (to get all the kids out of high school) I was resigned to this existence so my questioning soon turned to acceptance of “this was just how my life was meant to turnout”.

I began to violently sob.  At one point my cries resembled a panic stricken and/or belligerent 2 year old and that is when I offered up a very deliberate prayer of “help me” with no real regard for what I was even asking.  I can only say now, God heard that prayer.  I however, didn’t think about that prayer until recently when I began to compare/contrast where we were and where we are headed.  But God is so faithful and accommodating.

I am going to jump forward to this weekend.  I mentioned in an earlier post that our freshman daughter (Gracie) is struggling a bit.  She’s a college athlete on a full scholarship (so her sport is now a fulltime job with deadlines, expectations and criticisms).  Our Gracie is in the midst of a boot camp-like experience with her team.  No warm fuzzies, no hand holding.  Our precious one is pretty beat down and she’s cracking a little.  So when she said she could come home for 24 hours, H made the 3 hour trip there to pick her up and together we drove her back last night.  Initially I wasn’t going to make the drive to take her back to school.  6-7 hours in the car means leaving the rest of the kids under the guidance of our 17 year old and is a valid reason to let Henry do it alone.  But Henry gently said “if you ride along we can talk on the ride home” ~ so that is what we did.  And I am so glad I rode along.  Our baby cried when we reached her school ~ think kindergarten drop off cry.  She didn’t cling to my leg, but she very well could have.  I cried too b/c it doesn’t matter if they are 8 months, 8 years or 18 years old she is still my baby.  Rationally I know our Gracie is going to be ok – much like we all knew our kids would be ok at kindergarten drop off, but emotionally I was a mess.

On the drive home we talked for over 3 hours about ‘us’.  We talked about what was working and what wasn’t.  I took the advice of several commenters’ last week and asked Henry how his over scheduled life was making him feel and when he opened up, I listened!  I was able to tell him my stresses about Grandma’s move and how I can effectively use smoke and mirrors to keep him in the dark about how much turmoil I am feeling inside and while I shared, he listened!

On the car ride home I was able to catch a glimpse of myself on the bed last year ~ the hopelessness and dread of that night have been completely replaced.  I will leave for another post the multiple ways my submission has revitalized our marriage ~ but for today I will simply say tonight’s conversation in the car and the subsequent tenderness in the bedroom would NEVER have happened if not for the inclusion of ttwd into our marriage. ~Liz

SOM#SeasonOfMess#needtogetmysh*ttogether

In In the Beginning on October 27, 2012 at 6:43 am

It’s been a long week.  Henry is working 10-12 hour days and that means he becomes pretty lax in his expectations of me.  This week was no different.  I pushed the limits, trying to see where he would draw the line.  Why do I do that?  It puts a pause in between him and me and causes me to lose the submitted feelings that I crave.  I managed this week to call him a disparaging name in front of daughter 3 and to hang up on him when he was short with me.  But b/c he is aware of his hand in me being as he calls it “out there” he ends up apologizing to me … crazy.  I don’t want him to apologize to me; I want to be held accountable for my words/actions/deeds.  He is a kind and patient man but sometimes I wish he would just call me on my BS and see me for the controlling shrew that I can turn into.

I was impressed today though … he made time (that I know he really didn’t have) to keep our regular appointment.  That kinda made me feel cared for – but not completely submitted.  It’s a long standing issue for us in that he has so much going on with work that he tries to fit 101 things into every day.  I’ve often felt like #101.

When he announced we would have a mini session this morning and we should  have had adequate time for me NOT to feel like #101 – however daughter #3 locked herself out of her car and H spent an hour (our hour) trying to get the keys out.  No luck and she finally left in my car and AAA is on the way.  I would have been fine rescheduling the reminder, but he said “let’s get this done” … translation to me “I only have 30 minutes but I can knock this out” … so while it was someone effective – it wasn’t totally because I felt the stress of the timer running in my head.  Did he?  I don’t know, but I did.

The house is a mess and I can’t seem to get on top of it.  That really bugs me.  The freshman in college daughter is struggling a little and that weight is heavy on my heart.  Lately I always feel behind the eight ball and so in turn it is harder to find energy to put into Henry and I.  I keep thinking that if I could just get even in my life then I could start moving forward.

This post is rambling and I am sorry!  I commented on another blog that “seasons change” and I guess I need to embrace the season I am in right now.  If I had to put a name to this ‘season’ I’d call it the ‘season of disorganization’ or even SOM=season of mess!  My life is messy right now; grandma’s move is messy; college kids are messy; ttwd is messy and lol this freakin house is messy!

Tomorrow is the 5 yo’s birthday party; tomorrow is painting day to get grandma’s room ready; tomorrow is a new day.  I am holding on to that promise and to the belief that ‘seasons change’ …

~Liz

Father Knows Best …

In In the Beginning on October 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

About six months ago, I came across a old fashion marriage website … and I was intrigued.  I secretly scanned through the pages and read for the better part of a week.  I say secretly b/c inside I was feeling somehow that just by viewing the topic on our home computer I would be ousted as a weirdo…! The following week I bravely put a pass code on my cell phone so I could read while waiting in the car pool line for my unsuspecting kiddos!  Around this time Henry had to travel for 3 days and I sent him a link (once he was safely 500 miles away!).  He read.  He liked the HoH aspect (of course, who wouldn’t!).   He called. We talked.  Well HE talked, I was so uptight and embarrassed that I could barely string 3 words together.  Had I really initiated this conversation?!  Here I was blushing and stammering on the phone with a man I’ve known for 25 years and with whom I’ve birthed 7 kids in front of!  Uncomfortable doesn’t begin to express the phone call.  And then … he came home.  We both liked the idea of him leading; we both wanted a more harmonious life.  The first few weeks were great.  He lead.  I followed.  I deferred to him and he stepped up.  But I wanted more.

I googled the term domestic submission.  OMG.  What was I doing?  A nice girl from a good Southern family and here I am surfing over 18 websites?  And since I couldn’t bring it up to Henry, I did the next logical thing … started ‘acting out’ … well that’s what I’d call it if my kids acted like I was acting!  He could have thought I was losing it, but he didn’t.  He asked me to forward to him anything that I had read that could explain to him what I wanted (needed) that I was too inhibited to say aloud.  And so it began.  We entered into the next chapter of ‘us’.

Call it whatever.  We’ve crossed the bridge and there is no going back.  Some days I love being lead by Henry.  Some days I loathe it.  I am learning that being submissive is a conscience decision of my will.  Henry and I hold the belief that ‘love is a commitment, not a feeling’ and I am beginning to see submission as the same.  When I am feeling the gushy feelings of submission things are usually going great.  But I am starting to see that it’s the times when those gushy feelings are not present that cause me to stretch and grow.  And those are the times that I see Henry at his best.  He is patient and kind when he could be the opposite.

It is making me examine how I parent – am I patient and kind?  Do I give my kids multiple second chances?  IDK, it’s a learning curve.  Some days I do well.  Some days I blow it.  I think the days in-between are where the real Liz is beginning to develop.  Does any of this make sense?  Has changing your marriage changed how you parent?  Is it making you more or less patient with your kids?

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