Life of Liz

Archive for the ‘Red Pill’ Category

Some things need Re-examining

In Authentic Life, Goals, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill on April 18, 2013 at 6:57 am

Having sent two of our six daughters off to college, we have learned a few things.  So before the younger four are to follow, we’ve been making several adjustments in the ways that we are parenting and preparing the next group for college and the world.  However, we may also be facing some bigger changes, that while possibly necessary – at least initially they will cause discomfort and will be uncharted roads for our family.

The older two didn’t have the benefit of our red pill world view.  Personally, I think I did something’s okay … Married for 20+ years, encouraged personal relationships with God, encouraged community involvement, tried to instill a sense of modesty.  I home-schooled them through 5th grade, (imparting a love of literature) and then continued to be involved in their education by volunteering at their schools.

But some things need re-examining:

In high school, the 2 oldest spent nearly 95% of their free time either playing a sport or studying so neither left for college very well rounded.  I was too discipline orientated and often didn’t understand this method didn’t allow them to develop the self control tools they would need to be successful once my barriers disappeared.  I didn’t facilitate Henry’s leadership in our home – but instead challenged him and diluted his role pretty consistently.

I had bought into the notion that today’s man would want a strong and independent woman.  I didn’t think much about feminine/masculine attraction and I definitely wasn’t thinking about marriage as the end goal when planning out at least the immediate future for my older girls.

But now, our second daughter is struggling to navigate the hook-up culture on her campus.  It breaks my heart to hear her explanation as to why so many girls stay plugged into the cycle.  Essentially they’ve bought into the lie, a mix of everyone is doing it and if you’re not doing it there must be something wrong with you.   And don’t forget they’ve been told their entire lives that meaningless sex is the prize that we’ve been fighting for so they had better seize the opportunity! The first girl to step away and even hint at the idea that hooking up is neither enjoyable nor beneficial would be quickly ostracized by the group, declared a prude (definition “displaying sound judgment in practical affairs”), or a loser or any other term that would accomplish the purpose of keeping everyone in line!  18-22 year old girls might be unashamed and reckless but they are probably not going to reject the status quo when all they really want is to fit in and be accepted.

My self reflection comes on the heels of my college aged daughters coming home for spring break.   There visit started me thinking “if I believe being a wife and a mother brings fulfillment to a woman and if this is the ultimate end goal – what did I do … what am I doing … to raise daughters who are able to attract, fall in love and then marry a man?” – And taking it further, wouldn’t it seem logical to plan their days to allow time to teach them how to present themselves to the world in a way that would accomplish said goal?

It is not hard to find entire blogs written by men exploring how they were lied to by well meaning but clueless adults (usually female) who held steadfast to the mantra “just be nice and you’ll find a nice girl” – they were nice and they are alone.  What are we, adult women, teaching our daughters and will it enable them to become fulfilled wives and mothers?

I think the answer is No!  I am starting to realize that everything that I thought was ‘right’ is actually ‘wrong’ … and the first thing that comes to my mind is the role of sports in the lives of my daughters.  In our house, playing sports takes up a huge amount of time.  Could that time be better spent if they played at a lower level?

And then I overheard this conversation last week between Daughter #2 (who is attending college on a full basketball scholarship) and one of her younger siblings:

Daughter #2:  “if you are good at both sports <basketball and soccer> then concentrate on soccer”

Sibling: “why?  I like playing both and you play basketball and you love it, right”

Daughter #2: “because basketball is the least feminine sport there is and boys have a preconceived idea of what a female basketball player looks/acts like and I hate it – given the chance I would have concentrated on either volleyball or soccer…

She continues:  and so many of the girls playing college basketball are gay so boys are constantly making jokes about it.  Even the coaches are mostly gay so we have to wear pants and dress like boys even though I see the soccer/volleyball/softball girls looking all girlie at team events.”

I had no idea she felt this way!  Is her experimentation with the hookup culture a rationalized way for her to be accepted and to express herself as a woman?

The second area that requires meaningful reflection is how and why we encourage certain educational goals.  Daughter #1 graduated high school with a 4.3 GPA and is now studying at a top tier university. But … getting her there took its toll.  She was miserable in high school.  She didn’t have time to attend many (most) extra curricular events (other than ones that complimented college applications) and developed poor coping techniques, that thankfully I clued into and navigated her through.  She’s doing well in her 2nd year of college – she joined a sorority (yeah, girl power) and is excelling academically, but to what end?  What is the goal?  Is it to compete with men until she is 32-35 and then start looking for a husband?  I know my preparation doesn’t have her focused (or even considering) marriage and family as worthwhile goals at this stage of her life.

How many, if any mothers are purposely training their daughters to take womanhood seriously?  And if we are not investing time in training them in true womanhood, then why are we so surprised when they so easily reject being a stay at home mom and instead buy into the lie of “we can have it all” only to become disengaged 3-5 years after the wedding ceremony?

So where exactly does our parenting go from here?  That is the million dollar question.  What happens if we were to have the 14 and 12 year old free up some time by playing sports at a lower level?  Or what happens if we don’t place quite as much emphasis on excelling academically? What is the right answer?  I guess it will be back to the drawing board and time spent with God, seeking His wisdom.

And on a lighter note … assuming the answers will only come with much time spent in prayer and reflection, then WHERE am I going to get the needed time?  #notimetoaskGod#gottagetthingsdone#wronganswer!

A Question for Men

In Authentic Life, Goal, Red Pill on April 12, 2013 at 6:30 am

I love seeing life through post red pill glasses.  For example, I recently helped chaperon a field trip for my 6th grade daughter.  In all, 75 kids, mostly all 12 years of age.  The trip required a bus trip into the city, which meant an hour each direction so I was able to spend some quality time and gain a bird’s eye view of their interactions.  Here are some things I observed:

Jonathan, a twin was the first boy to catch my attention.  He’s is easily shorter than most, but what he lacks in height he made up for in confidence.    This kid was equally charming, yet respectful to adults and up for anything and playful with both boys and girls. In fact, while we were waiting for the buses to come back for our return trip he took a dare and danced to his iPhone, pretending to be a street performer.   That held the attention of girls that were easy going and cute – but eye rolls from another group of girls that were pretty, but awkward.  He could also rattle off upcoming games for our local MLB teams, how the local NBA team would fare in the playoffs and why he thinks the Kings should remain in Sacramento so it appeared he also had a niche within the boys club.  And I noticed less confident boys navigating towards him, trying to appear as though they were in his group.  I didn’t know boys did that!

How will he fare as he gets older?

Will he jump at the chance to become tied to a girlfriend and let her rule his life? If she breaks his heart will he recover?  If he doesn’t get taller (and the other boys do) will it affect his confidence?  Or will he date many girls through out high school and graduate with his confidence through the roof?  By the way, his twin brother doesn’t have the same charisma and also seems introverted – but doesn’t cower to his more outgoing twin.

Boy Group:  Not very well defined, but probably 10-15 that comprised the core. For the most part they were able to completely entertain themselves without involving the girls.  However, I soon noticed Girl Group #2 was always near by and watching or interacting with the boys.  The girls came to them.  Will this change in high school?  I’ve read a lot of manosphere blogs that speak to the toll high school can take on a boys self confidence so I am wondering if most boys possess self confidence prior to high school and if they do, what happens when they get into high school?  As a side note, it seemed the core 10-15 boys were confident and comfortable and unlike a girls’ group I did not perceive any power struggles or one upping behavior.

Girl Group #1:  A small exclusive group (less than 12) that was made up of  pretty, but somewhat awkward girls that seemed to serve the purpose of making the other kids feel self conscience.  At first I assumed this was the ‘popular’ group, but upon a second glance I didn’t know.  They didn’t smile much; they played on their phones and looked around to see who may have been noticing them.  They seemed to understand (at 12!) how to dress for boys.  Honestly, they appeared bored with life already.  Later on my daughter confirmed they were the ‘popular’ group … but for how long is my question.  In high school will their looks be enough to attract the boys?   Do 14-17 year old boys care about more than appearances?

Girl Group #2:  Larger and less well defined, made up of easy going ‘cute’ girls at first glance and seemed to be the up and coming group.  That is until I put on my Red Pill glasses and spied mostly short hair, androgynous dress and very little femininity.    If this group figures out how to be girls they could go far because I perceived they made the boys feel comfortable and they were fun to be around and could be prettier with longer hair and more girlie attire.

My daughter is in Group 2, although she does have long hair.  But I understand raising daughters.  I’ll keep finding creative ways to nurture her femininity so that hopefully she’ll receive some positive feedback which will set her up for success in 5-10 years.

My son though is an entirely different animal!  So men, if you were able to go back to middle school and then re-do high school what would you do differently?  How would you make that time of your life better?

Be careful what you wish for

In Authentic Life, Bat Shit Crazy, Out of the Comfort Zone, Rationalization Hamster, Red Pill, Shit Test on April 10, 2013 at 7:09 pm

This isn’t going to be a nice post; it’s not going to be a rational post or even a post that will make me fondly remember THIS chapter of my life.

Jumping back a few months, it had been a year or so that Henry and I had been evolving within our marriage and shifting towards a Henry led dynamic.  We were progressing at break neck speeds at first; and then a little slower as the newness began to wear off.  And since I have a hard time embracing the popular phrase “it’s a journey, not a race” I was just about at the point of starting to become frustrated with Henry’s slow (as in, slower than what I desired) progress in regaining the Alpha traits that I so desired.  It was round about this time that I read Ian Ironwoods post explaining what wives could do to ‘up the alpha’ within their marriage while also letting the husband grow in his leadership.  So I Read it … Got it … Acted on it … And once again we were soaring through the great unknown; Henry comfortably leading the charge and Liz cheerfully following his lead.

But then IT happened.  IT knocked the air right out of my lungs (lungs that have increased capacity thanks to the years I’ve spent running on the wheel) and set ME back a few giant steps.hamster

My new reality began last Friday night, which was in large part because our 17 year old daughter went completely Bat Shit Crazy in a way that only a 17 year old girl is capable of.  To say it was an incredibly stressful night is an understatement.  We experienced much yelling, crying and storming out, only to have her return and repeat until she finally left, and stayed gone until Saturday night.  But Saturday night was productive and after a marathon round of conversations we hugged and pressed forward (was there any other choice?).

By Sunday morning I felt as though I’d been run over by a train, so I did what any good Mom would do … I got everyone in the house up and rallied to attend the early church service.  And then it began to unravel on me … a little comment here, an eye roll there … until about half way through the day when I went all in and tried to pick a fight with Henry.  Why?  I don’t know why – just because!!  Maybe it was a diversion from the past 48 hours or maybe because I could yell at him in a way I couldn’t yell at our daughter the day before.  So, I am ‘all in’ and he is … yep, just not biting!  I couldn’t believe it.

Now mind you, there was a distant possibility that I could have called out my inner BSCC (Bat Shit Crazy Chick) and really taken this thing to a new low.  But before that could happen, you won’t believe what he actually had the nerve to ask me.  He actually said “You done” – from a post I had passed onto him a while back.  He used it on me!!  And he followed it up with a smug half grin/chuckle.  And then he WALKED away and started horsing around with our son.  Are you kidding me?  What is going on here?

Was I pissed?  Oh ya.  But truthfully I didn’t have a clue what my next move would be … because do you have any idea how hard it is to work yourself into BSCC mode only to have your intended audience not only refuse to succumb to your shit test, but also to reflect back to you just how ridiculous you are behaving?

What happened?  How did the rest of the evening unfold and where are things today?  Some probably already know, others will have an Aha Moment and some who haven’t yet taken their own dose of the Red Pill will be confused.  So what happened?  Well later Sunday night we had mind-bending, yes … mind-bending sex.  And although I will deny it until the day I die … I think I had to initiate –!  sex-and-the-sleepy-1

Houston – we have a problem … Liz is losing it and Henry is getting it and everyone is “O”ver taken with pleasure.

Being the quick learner that I am tells me I won’t be letting myself digress into BSCC mode anytime soon because even though the sex was great, I will tell you honestly that I did not enjoy the rest of the experience at all; in fact, I was equally horrified by my willingness to jump right back into full fledged Old School Liz and the ease by which I can still summon BSCC at a moments notice.  I can think of many excuses (rationalizations?) that ultimately led to my unraveling – too much time apart, Grandma, teens home from college, and then the incident Friday night – but truthfully, I really just made the choice to embrace a habit that I had employed for 20+ years and did so probably without even a conscience thought.  I had stress so I tried to create some stress to relieve my own stress.  That about sums it up.

I keep hearing that phrase … it’s a journey, not a race.  Well thank goodness because I almost lost the entire contest.

imagining a place where boys can be BOYS … and girls can be GIRLS

In Authentic Life, Goals, Red Pill, Wisdom on April 2, 2013 at 10:39 am

Since adopting a Red Pill view of the world, I am surprised just how hard it really is to find books and videos with strong male role models and to a lesser degree feminine/motherly role models.  I’ve surfed Netflix many times (under the anticipatory eyes of my youngest kids) trying to find a movie that will not depict the boy as dumb, irrational, or in need of a strong female to get him going  the right direction AND/OR not depict the girl as a know it all that can do it all on her own, or is very one dimensional … only to come up empty handed or end up trying to sell my son on another viewing of sandlotThe Sandlot or maybe get them hooked on ET, again!  … pretty weak!   I am open to your suggestions!!

After some searching I’ve come up with a few book titles that look promising.  I guess my older kids were somewhat sheltered from worldly influences since they were home-schooled until 5th grade – but the two youngest have the double disadvantage of living in a household with older teens while also being in public school.  Buying these two books is a mini test run to see if our household (with the inclusion of Grandma) would be conducive to a home school environment.  Both kids have asked “why can’t we do school at home like Big Sister did” and I have no good answer other than a lingering doubt if I could manage it while having Grandma living with us … and the TV on constantly and having to stop many times and help her with most anything you could imagine and still having to chauffeur the older kids around … so we’ll see how this goes.Bow-back-Cheeky-panty-222x300

Henry is still working a lot.  My dinner did not materialize since our house was full of college, high school, middle school and elementary school KIDS – but I went with the ‘pink’ and surprised him Saturday night … and he was very blessed!  I haven’t been brave enough to post part 2 of Red Pill Year in ReviewYou Wanna Put What Where? but what I will say is that the more feminine and respectful I am … the more take charge and alpha he is … so our sex life is HOT.  I realize my word choice is poor, but that is really the only way I can accurately describe it!!  And it’s always been good … but now … “oh MY!!” it is really good!

Back on topic … so after some digging, I’ve found two books that I’ve recently ordered … the first is a book titled Mommy…Why? A Titus 2 Story for Young Girls by Cindy Voss 

From Amazon … The Bible has a lot to say about bringing up your children in the “training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 NIV). Today’s generation of girls are growing up in a culture that disdains Biblical femininity and homemaking. Titus 2 describes the pattern and the content for raising up the next generation. “Mommy…Why?” presents a fresh look at an old concept…the concept of the “high calling” of wife and mother.  “Mommy…Why” illustrates the blessing and privilege of this God ordained vocation. Your young daughter will gain insight into the how and the why of this special calling….a direct result of “the older women training the younger women” in a God glorifying way.

Since I’ve also been looking for ways to spend a little more ‘mommy and me time’ with my 7 year old, I am excited to begin reading this together and then also incorporate some time spent together in the kitchen.  Maybe it’s because I also have older kids, but I am very aware of worldly influences manifesting already in my young daughter.

I also ordered The Yearling by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

From Amazon … Young Jody adopts an orphaned fawn he calls Flag and makes it a part of his family and his best friend. But life in the Florida backwoods is harsh, and so, as his family fights off wolves, bears, and even alligators, and faces failure in their tenuous subsistence farming, Jody must finally part with his dear animal friend.

The Yearling came up several times as a good real aloud, especially for boys.  I will keep you posted on how the mini test-run is progressing.

Deliberately managing my own feelings … hmm

In Authentic Life, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill, Submission ... Oh My! on March 29, 2013 at 10:27 am

Henry and I are off. man

It is a pattern that I am very familiar with; he spends extra time at the office … staying until 9 pm most nights and also working Saturdays.  He continues to work when he is home.  And for a while I am able to maintain the home front and set aside my feelings of isolation from him, us.  But somewhere around the end of the second or third week is when I reach my limit.  The detachment, fatigue and irritations begin to mount and before you know it WHAM the cycle takes on a life all its own. bam

I’ve said before “submission is a choice, not a feeling”  and so it is in that spirit that I am making a choice to ignore the escalating grumbling in my head (what he’s not doing for me) and instead I am focused on planning a special night for him and I tomorrow evening.

Step 1:  Dinner

I’ve purposely chosen a meal that takes thoughtful planning and careful preparation; a meal that is not my favorite, but one that is Henry’s.  My plan is to see if through making a conscience and deliberate choice to do something nice for Henry, even though I don’t really feel like being nice at all – will help me (us) avert a meltdown.

 

Here is the menu I am planning:

  • Orange and Beet Salad
  • Rosa Di Parma – stuffed pork tenderloin
  • Brussels sprouts in a Sherry Bacon Cream Sauce
  • Balsamic Strawberries with Whipped Mascarpone Cheese

beetsaladbeefBrusselSproutsInCream-734798 balsamic-strawberries-with-whipped-mascarpone-cheese

Step 2: Relaxation

  • Hot bath
  • Message complete with music and oil
  •  Either this Bow-back-Cheeky-panty-222x300  or this thigh

I’ve pulled out the recipes and made a grocery list and I’ll swing by the mall this afternoon … all of which has already started to soften my mindset into one of service and giving.   Just by doing something exclusively for him I’ve already started to to change my mindset … I am already feeling closer to him which means I am less likely to be defensive  when he eventually calls to say he is working late once again tonight.  I will be free to be supportive and feel comforted by my secret knowledge that we will have  a very special night tomorrow!  Hmm … it almost feels like I am (for possibly the first time EVER) taking an active role in managing my own feelings and subsequently my own happiness.

happy

 

Last week was a good one in blogland …

In Red Pill, Wisdom on March 20, 2013 at 7:06 am

viking

Just a sampling … ENJOY

  • Red Pill RoomJust going through a stage  … Once again Mr. Ironwood delivers.  This is a must read for every married woman!
  • Finding SaraA Tail of Three Spankings – Part Three  … subAs usual, Sara finds a way to clearly express herself and impart wisdom while in the midst of a very vulnerable time in her marriage.
  • Judgy BitchA shit-faced drunk girl, a football star and a vigilante feminist. The makings of a fairy-tale …  JB didn’t hold back in this post … oh wait, JB never holds back!
  • Red Pill WiferyVacation for me! And a wonderful Welcome Home … The winds are changing in RPW’s world and its fun to read about the new normal that is being created by her Captain!
  • Captain CapitalismLarissa Faw’s “Successful, Gorgeous, and Amazing” Friends … It’s always nice to hear from a MAN what MEN beautyfind attractive and desirable in a WOMAN!

I am still working on parts 2 and 3 as follow ups to my last post … it has been a shit testing weekend in our home and I may post about that first.  Stay tuned.

Post 1/3…The Red Pill

In 1950's wife of Today, Authentic Life, In the Beginning, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill on March 12, 2013 at 6:26 am

redpill

A year in review:

It’s been about a year or so that Henry and I had a choice to make – we could boldly swallow the newly discovered Red Pill that we had begun to uncover, though that would mean gaining the ability to see clearly the painful truth of our failing marriage.  Or we could maintain the status quo and stay in our blissful (painful!) ignorance of an illusion; one that we could never seem to get right and which was marching us farther and farther apart.   This Red Pill dilemma came about six months after trying our hand new dynamic.  The one was an easy segue into the other (red pill reality) so we forged ahead. 

Simply stated, out of the 20+ years of marriage, it’s been about 18 months that Henry has been actively leading our marriage.  Imagine that!  For about 1 ½ year I have not been in a contentious power struggle to be the HoH (though until recently I did not even know what that meant: Head of Household).

Initially it felt as though we were both play-acting – sort of a ‘fake it til you make it’ approach.  We spent a lot of time reading established blogs and trying to digest the information.   Looking back, I did several things that significantly contributed to establishing my new identity.

     pre-Red Pill 

  • Dress – comfy, non-threatening to other women.  Some examples include non-fitted sweats or lounge pants, sloppy-sweatpantsboxy t-shirts, Bermuda shorts, Peter pan collars, Uggs, Sperry’s, ballerina flats, flip flops etc.
  • Appearance – comfy with very little time or energy given to what image may be projected.  No make-up; hair is worn up in a messy bun or pony at least 60% of the timedyke
  • Hair – Typically shorter and for a stretch really short
  • Smell – None, unless going out for a special occasion or for a girl’s night.
  • Attitude – selfish and demanding.  An acceptance that my ways are preferable and his ways are flawed.  Inflexible.  Demeaning and humiliating when I didn’t get my way. A dependence on him to create happiness for me/us.
  • Countenance – hostile and distant.  Also, inhospitable.

post Red Pill

girly

  • Dress – feminine and representative of outfits that Henry has previously complimented me on.  Items that make him look good while also making me feel like his wife.  Examples include fitted jeans, moderately sexy dresses, v-neck T’s, mid or high heeled shoes or boots.  Also included are summer sandals and other kitten heeled shoes that are girly.
  • Appearance – pulled together, which includes at least a minimal application of make-up (powder, eye liner and mascara), hair worn down and styled on 90% of occasions.
  • Hair – long, healthy and maintained.
  • Scent – a daily spritz of a scent that Henry likes.  A refresher just before he arrives home in the evening.
  • Attitude – appreciative, respectful and deferring (as applicable).  Consideration given to his opinions, desires and needs.   Flexible.  A realization that the world does not revolve around my wants and an acceptance that I am accountable for my own happiness.
  • Countenance – pleasant and easy going.  Also, agreeable.happy

At first glance the above lists may come across as superficial – but looking closer I can see very distinctly that “pre-Red-Pill Liz” put an emphasis on personal comfort and my own individual wants whereas “post Red-Pill Liz” has gained an appreciation for what Henry finds attractive and how his wants can be appreciated and respected.

I also started asking Henry’s permission to do things that I would NOT need his permission to do. This is a way of giving him power over my daily decisions and reminding me that his wishes should be considered.  That may sound extreme, but it was and is necessary to keep me in the correct frame of mind and it is a way to establish and remind myself to keep him in charge.kiss

Asking permission is a very difficult thing for me to do, especially in front of our very perceptive daughters.  Probably the only reason I am able to force myself to ask his permission is because the payoff is so apparent.  For both of us!

One of our early rules was for me to meet him at the door and give him a welcome home kiss; sounds easy, but it was hard to do with those seven sets of eyes watching my every move.  It also shows how distant we had grown that getting up and kissing my husband was a hard thing for me to do!

Preparing dinner and having it ready for him; noticing his glass is empty and refilling; noticing his shaving supplies are running low and replacing them.  These things are daily reminders that help me keep Henry in the forefront of my thinking.

Some days it would be easier to be comfy.  Sometimes I just don’t want to be reasonable or consider his needs/wants/desires.  It’s a process and not something that comes easily for me.  Truthfully, I often fail, although thankfully some things are becoming a habit and fitting themselves into my normal routines.  Hmm, after a year of making a conscience effort to be “post Red-Pill Liz” and after spending many hours devouring blogs and trying to glean any insights I can garner AND after seeing so many positive results in my marriage I can only say, these are things that have helped me, and … It’s a daily battle decision to make the effort to be “post Red-Pill Liz”!  …  

up next is Post 2/3… “put THAT in THERE?  Wait… what?”

And finally, Post 3/3 “Make no mistake, this is Henry’s House”

Red Pill wisdom from a 5 year old … and 6 year old hypergamy?

In Authentic Life, Rationalization Hamster, Red Pill, Submission ... Oh My! on March 2, 2013 at 2:02 pm

Henry and I had our weekly “just us” dinner last night.  It was followed by our first maintenance session in about two weeks.

In my head I did not want to surrender; I didn’t resist, but I was just prepared to ‘go with the flow’.  But as it has happened many times prior, once started it seems that two things occur simultaneously … my boundaries are erased and Henry is once again firmly established as the leader.  Others have referenced how much meaningful conversation can be had in that ‘most compromising position’ and I would have to agree that I was able to relax enough to cry and express just how stressful the last weeks have been.  It was very liberating and will likely help us have a much better weekend.

Yes, I’ve had a lot of raw emotions that last few weeks.  Suffice to say, it is really hard having Grandma in our household.  It is causing me a lot of internal stress and the overflow is causing a lot of rough waters in our marriage.  I haven’t finished the ‘real’ post I am working on, but a few funny things have been said lately that warrant being passed along … they show that the Red Pill is still alive and kicking in our household!

  1.  On one particularly stressful rush out the door to school – I was in rare form when my youngest, (the only boy) said “No drama Mommy – men don’t like drama, remember?” … out of the mouths of babe’s!
  2. After our son’s first T-ball practice, a discussion followed about the batting technique preferred by the coach which differed from what had been presented by Daddy – to which my son said “I told the coach I am going to follow my Dad’s way b/c my dad’s played a lot of baseball and I trust him” …Upon hearing this, our 6 year old daughter replied …“Daddy played a lot of baseball, what like in college or just in high school?”  Hypergamy anyone?
  3. Our Freshman in college daughter likes a boy – the boy has a girlfriend back home, but she has that covered “I can tell he really likes me because I just feel a real connection between us and as soon as he figures it out he’ll dump her and be able to date me” … try as I may I can’t make her see that Dang Hamster at work!hamster
  4. It had been a particularly bad week as I was constantly spinning on my own hamster wheel (of course this was justified by the immense stress I am under, lol) – when I read this post Two Words Women Need To Hear… well Henry must have been reading it at just about the same time because no sooner had I finished my latest attempt to spin out of control when he simple replied “you done?” … Ugh!  I hate it when that type of logic is used against me!

A boy … and society’s plot to change that!

In Authentic Life, Goal, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill, Wisdom on February 20, 2013 at 10:21 am

boy

We want our son to be a boy and someday be a man.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Think again.  OK, to be fair, I came into this “mom of a son” thing with ZERO experience or expectation of what makes a boy tick.  Especially when you add in my background – a very controlling female role model in my mother; a very weak, beta-ized image of a man as seen in my dad constantly trying to appease my mother (who was often/many/ times Bat Shit Crazy; my own attempts at control in my own marriage (and yes, often that included Bat Shit Crazy moments and a long run on the hamster wheel) … Add in that our first 6 are daughters—and since our oldest is soon to be turning 21 – at minimum our 3 oldest girls grew up in the hey day of GIRL POWER – including the t-shirts and constant commentary of Girls are Better!girls

I don’t remember seeing any similar t-shirts for boys – either I wasn’t looking or boys (men) don’t feel the need to proclaim their superiority on their clothing? 

Anyhow, by the time our son was born I had gotten the message that girls were well behaved and wanted to learn and excel and boys were, well just NOT.  Not well behaved … had no desire to learn … not easy, not polite, not …. Anything that was similar to my daughters.  When our son was very young – maybe two (?) I actually reprimanded HIM for complaining when his sister (18 month older) took away his truck.  Yep I did!  Because SHE was the princess and HE needed to be fixed … and if I didn’t FIX him I had already seen how ‘his type’ was treated in my daughters’ classrooms.  Thankfully – just about this time, and I do consider this Divine Intervention, I stumbled upon some Red Pill references and then some Dd references and then had the moment described here and lo and behold Henry and I moved forward – for the first time in 20+ years.

OK, back to the point – We now saw clearly the obstacles our only son would surely face and we made a commitment .. and we have never looked back from …  making sure our son is free to be a boy and someday be a man.

But oh how much easier it would have been to just raise a BetaBoy!  We would get tons of support from educators – this is a true account of how one teacher (who is a really good lady who really loves kids) manages a class of 30 five year olds – who are sitting quietly on their appropriately colored carpet squares – and squirming ever so slightly – “ OK boys and girls, lets give ourselves a hug kinderand calm ourselves down; take a deep breath and get ready to listen to what I am about to tell you” … or

“No, we don’t allow balls anymore during recess; it is just too dangerous (the ball in question is a kickball type ball)”.

Ok, no balls.  What about running around on the playground?balls

“No, we prefer the kids don’t play on the grass during school hours (including recess) because they might get grass stains if they fall” …

Hmm, what are they permitted to do?

“ We’ve installed this beautiful, colorful play structure (at which point she pauses and gently shouts “boys, remember to wait your turn in line, everyone will get a chance to go down the slide”.

Well that sounds like fun, huh?

So this morning I opened the paper and read the headline … Cal coach Mike Montgomery’s shove ‘unacceptable’

Wow, that sounds bad!  A coach shoving a player; I buy it hook, line and sinker.  hook  Henry walks into the room and I express my outrage (our 2nd daughter plays D1 basketball so my protective mothering has kicked into high gear).

He replies “have you seen the shove?

And so we watch it

Wait – what?  This can’t be the shove … This video is of a coach – saying, very clearly “do you want to play?” to a highly talented athlete.  According to the newspaper this wasn’t necessarily the first time this very talented athlete had pushed his coaches’ buttons …

“Problem is that Montgomery wants consistent intensity, the ultra-talented Crabbe is not wired to deliver it, and this gets under the coach’s skin.”

So what happened after the shove?  The player took a spot on the end of Cal’s bench for a brief minute before the coach put him back in, and then took over from that point on.  He ended the game with a game high 23 points, 10 rebounds, 6 steals, 1 assist and 1 block.  He had is first double/double of the season – he hit a season high of five 3 pointers.  And they won – trailing by 15 with 16:01 – Cal went on to win the game 76-68 and the player (Crabbe) went on to score 10/23 points in the final 4 ½ minutes of the game.  The situation definitely sparked Crabbe, who scored 14 points in the second half after the Bears fell behind 47-32.  It also ignited the rest of the Bears, who closed the game on a 25-7 run.  And since it is a conference game – with both teams entering the game with an equal W/L, Cal walked away 8-5 and USC 7-6.  It was a needed win for the TEAM.  After the game – before the coach got wind of the nonsense of PC … this is what he had to say

“Worked, didn’t it?” Montgomery said of the exchange with Crabbe. “Allen Crabbe had come down twice went to the wrong side of the court and his guy shot two 3’s. I was trying to get him going. Probably overdid it a little bit but Allen’s my guy. We can’t win if he is not ready to play.”

And the team won.  So, what did the player make of the exchange?

“An emotional game was going on at the time and I guess he was just trying to motivate me,” said Crabbe, who also had 10 rebounds and six steals. “But everything’s fine. It’s under the bridge. He’s my coach, no hard feelings. We’re just going to keep moving on.”

I think Coach Montgomery made the right call.  I see this exchange as an acceptable version of Man Up.  This is from Ian Ironwood’s blog

When men tell other men to “Man Up” (usually) they are trying to improve the condition of the other man. In the Male Social Matrix men are generally encouraged to help each other like that as part of the process of turning a Guy in to a Man . . . or simply providing moral support for a difficult issue. While the emphasis in the MSM is overtly on competition between men, a long list of masculine codes, from basic sportsmanship to battlefield chivalry, are designed to mitigate that competitive nature by tacitly providing assistance to less-able men

The confrontation between Montgomery and Crabbe proved to be the tipping point of the game.  The coach (Man #1) wanted the player (Man #2) to improve his play.  And while the coach no doubt wanted (needed) to win this game, his statement above “Probably overdid it a little bit but Allen’s my guy” tells us he cares about this young man.  He knows that if this kid is going to have a future in basketball, he needs the “ultra talented Crabbe” to develop “consistent intensity” to reach the highest rung of his potential.  Or put more simply

When men tell other men to “Man Up” (usually) they are trying to improve the condition of the other man

Henry and I WANT our son to be pushed to be his best – and doesn’t it seem more appropriate for that shove to come from, well, another MAN?

So, the articles and the media attention about the shove have made me realize that it’s going to be a long, hard road to make sure our son is free to be a boy and someday be a man is achieved.

As an aside, our college athlete daughter had caught wind of the headline and had this to say … “I am constantly screamed at and emotionally manipulated by my female coaches and I never really know what they want out of me – at least Crabbe got a clear message – and he responded and they won.”  She then wondered “I bet Crabbe is kinda embarrassed, I mean – he’s the best player and he wasn’t working hard and his coach called him out and now his coach is getting bad media. And he’s probably thankful he did call him out and it’s a good thing for Crabbe that he did turn it around because if they would have lost, the papers would have written for days about Crabbe letting everyone down.”

But as it stands, the coach has now apologized, the school AD has expressed her outrage and the media is shocked that this could have happened.  I guess on the positive side, the up and coming generation of current kindergartners probably won’t turn into ultra competitive ball players, but instead will one day be stars in the cut throat sport of “Turn Taking” – sure to make D1 programs at a local university near you soon!

It’s Sunday … Time to Pass the Plate

In Authentic Life, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill, Wisdom on February 18, 2013 at 11:14 am

I wanted to pass along a few links … the first is a video by Jenna Marbles!!

Yes she uses a lot of offensive language (F word!) but I think it’s really worth it to see a 20 something girl express her outrage at the UNFAIRness that is so prevalent in today’s society.  Go girl!

Next up is Ian Ironwood, over at The Red Pill Room …Girl Game: Extend An Invitation.  It is  long, but really worthwhile.  It addresses (from a male /husband/ perspective) something that is often mentioned … “how can I help my husband be the leader?”.  If you have time, search around on Ian’s website because he has A LOT of really good insight.  The post about the term Man Up will never be used again after we read Ian’s post! Really Good!!

And finally, anther male blogger that I’ve learned a lot from is The Private Man … I particularly liked this post titled Describing The Feminine.  As the mother of 6 daughters I find articles like this one informative and a good reminder that it is through attracting a man that my daughters will hopefully be able to experience all that their femininity affords them…or put another way, by being comfortable with their own femininity, they will likely attract the sort of man that will make it easy for them to grow within their femininity.

I am working on post about how it’s been adding Grandma into the mix and how Henry’s new job is also shaking things up; to say it’s been an easy couple of months would be a huge understatement!     To say that I am succeeding in my submission or that ttwd is easy right now would also be a big lie!  Nope!  No easy peasy right now … but that post is still too raw.

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