Life of Liz

Posts Tagged ‘HoH’

It’s Sunday … Time to Pass the Plate

In Authentic Life, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill, Wisdom on February 18, 2013 at 11:14 am

I wanted to pass along a few links … the first is a video by Jenna Marbles!!

Yes she uses a lot of offensive language (F word!) but I think it’s really worth it to see a 20 something girl express her outrage at the UNFAIRness that is so prevalent in today’s society.  Go girl!

Next up is Ian Ironwood, over at The Red Pill Room …Girl Game: Extend An Invitation.  It is  long, but really worthwhile.  It addresses (from a male /husband/ perspective) something that is often mentioned … “how can I help my husband be the leader?”.  If you have time, search around on Ian’s website because he has A LOT of really good insight.  The post about the term Man Up will never be used again after we read Ian’s post! Really Good!!

And finally, anther male blogger that I’ve learned a lot from is The Private Man … I particularly liked this post titled Describing The Feminine.  As the mother of 6 daughters I find articles like this one informative and a good reminder that it is through attracting a man that my daughters will hopefully be able to experience all that their femininity affords them…or put another way, by being comfortable with their own femininity, they will likely attract the sort of man that will make it easy for them to grow within their femininity.

I am working on post about how it’s been adding Grandma into the mix and how Henry’s new job is also shaking things up; to say it’s been an easy couple of months would be a huge understatement!     To say that I am succeeding in my submission or that ttwd is easy right now would also be a big lie!  Nope!  No easy peasy right now … but that post is still too raw.

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Do we really want what we ask for?

In Out of the Comfort Zone on November 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Isn’t it funny how you can think you are submitted and willingly obedient ~ until YOU are not the one calling the shots?  That is what I found myself pondering this weekend as I spent the better part of Saturday afternoon pouting .  Hmm, isn’t this what I’ve desired?  So I will try to explain and then pose the question aloud … do we really want what we ask for?

Anyone with kids would likely agree that Halloween week is a very busy time ~ the kiddie  costume parties, the class party and the actual event – and our youngest has his birthday on October 30th … so we had a lot happening in the house.  Henry had a very busy week at work and stayed up working past midnight 2-3 nights.  He was late to Seth’s birthday lunch and late getting home to start trick or treating … and I thought I handled both of these situations pretty well.  But then he was late coming home Friday night, which meant WE would be late getting to Maggie’s football game (she cheers).  So while I didn’t go into full blown B*itch mode, I did put some distance in between us and pout for the better part of the football game.  But then we went out to eat with another couple and I relaxed and things fell back into place.  Sounds all good, right?

Saturday morning arrives and it’s a busy one… I am up at 7 am and barking orders at Henry to pick up kid#5, take kid#3 somewhere and don’t be late.  Meanwhile, I am trying to get out the door because I am running late on my way to coach games for both the 8 and 10 year olds soccer teams.  Well … I made it on time and the kids arrived at their destinations at the right time.  All’s good in my world … EXCEPT Henry didn’t think so.
Fast forward to around noon … when I am asked to go to the bedroom and get prepared.  “Uh… Wait me?  Really, why?”  I wouldn’t say I was nervous.  No, more curious than anything.  Well let’s just say Henry was very irritated about be blasted out of bed with a to-do list and time constraints first thing in the morning (remember that part above about working late?).  What followed was an unplanned, unexpected unraveling of my pride and my control.  I thought we had gotten past this point months ago – I mean I thought I’d been held accountable before.  But this was the first time that it was decided and carried out by Henry without any input from me. Didn’t I like that he took control and acted like the HoH I’ve wanted?

I was really surprised how hard it was to process the encounter.  I didn’t feel resentful or angry – no, I agreed with the his right at his discretion.  So what was my problem?  I guess more than
anything we’ve done or discussed in the past 6 months Saturday firmly established our roles and drew some boundary lines with an extra thick black Sharpie.

Afterward I felt incredibly submissive and mindful of my tone and interactions with H and the kids.  But unlike other times, this time I wasn’t necessarily fond of the way I felt though.  And my reaction caused me to wonder if I was a fraud the last 6 months b/c I thought I was living a true submissive dynamic – but now had to question if I was only play acting.  And Henry knew me so well (which is such a good thing and incredibly frustrating too).  For months I’ve subtly indicated I was ready for him to take over more and assert his HoHness more.  He listened and replied “I don’t want to crush you” and/or “you aren’t really ready for what you are asking for” and after Saturday I now know he was right.  The punishment I received Saturday was mild.  It was with the same implement we’ve used for reminder spankings (Ikea spoon) and only minimally longer.  BUT … it wasn’t within my control.  Hmmm, maybe the other ones weren’t either?  I don’t know now. 

Monday morning arrives.  All is good – Henry off to work, lunches packed, kids off to school, dog ready for the groomer and the phone rings … it’s Henry.  “How’s your week look?”

Me, “fine, but tomorrow morning I volunteer at son’s school, why?”

Henry “That’s what I thought – I am thinking of coming back home and taking care of our reminder app’t today – so we don’t get off track with busy days tomorrow”

Me “um, ok – sure, I guess”

Henry – “Ok, meet me upstairs in 10”

Now I am confused again.  Aren’t our bi-weekly reminders  supposed to be initiated by me and somewhat controlled by me?  What is happening here?  And just like that – 10 minutes later I received the answers to both of my questions.

If I am honest I could have/should have seen it unfold this way.  I understand Henry inside and out.  I know my man is thorough and patient.  I know he gathers a lot of information and is slow to react.  That is until he has a grasp on the information and has made sure that acting is what he really wants and/or needs to do.  There is nothing in Henry’s temperament that is inconsistent with the manner in which the last 6+ months have unfolded.  He’s been gathering information and processing the Intel.  He’s been mulling around the pros and cons of fully embracing the role of HoH and how doing so would affect me.  And on Saturday night he was ready to act.  And act he did.  Hmm … looks like I am on my way to living a non-fraudulent lifestyle.  Happy days~  Liz

Father Knows Best …

In In the Beginning on October 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

About six months ago, I came across a old fashion marriage website … and I was intrigued.  I secretly scanned through the pages and read for the better part of a week.  I say secretly b/c inside I was feeling somehow that just by viewing the topic on our home computer I would be ousted as a weirdo…! The following week I bravely put a pass code on my cell phone so I could read while waiting in the car pool line for my unsuspecting kiddos!  Around this time Henry had to travel for 3 days and I sent him a link (once he was safely 500 miles away!).  He read.  He liked the HoH aspect (of course, who wouldn’t!).   He called. We talked.  Well HE talked, I was so uptight and embarrassed that I could barely string 3 words together.  Had I really initiated this conversation?!  Here I was blushing and stammering on the phone with a man I’ve known for 25 years and with whom I’ve birthed 7 kids in front of!  Uncomfortable doesn’t begin to express the phone call.  And then … he came home.  We both liked the idea of him leading; we both wanted a more harmonious life.  The first few weeks were great.  He lead.  I followed.  I deferred to him and he stepped up.  But I wanted more.

I googled the term domestic submission.  OMG.  What was I doing?  A nice girl from a good Southern family and here I am surfing over 18 websites?  And since I couldn’t bring it up to Henry, I did the next logical thing … started ‘acting out’ … well that’s what I’d call it if my kids acted like I was acting!  He could have thought I was losing it, but he didn’t.  He asked me to forward to him anything that I had read that could explain to him what I wanted (needed) that I was too inhibited to say aloud.  And so it began.  We entered into the next chapter of ‘us’.

Call it whatever.  We’ve crossed the bridge and there is no going back.  Some days I love being lead by Henry.  Some days I loathe it.  I am learning that being submissive is a conscience decision of my will.  Henry and I hold the belief that ‘love is a commitment, not a feeling’ and I am beginning to see submission as the same.  When I am feeling the gushy feelings of submission things are usually going great.  But I am starting to see that it’s the times when those gushy feelings are not present that cause me to stretch and grow.  And those are the times that I see Henry at his best.  He is patient and kind when he could be the opposite.

It is making me examine how I parent – am I patient and kind?  Do I give my kids multiple second chances?  IDK, it’s a learning curve.  Some days I do well.  Some days I blow it.  I think the days in-between are where the real Liz is beginning to develop.  Does any of this make sense?  Has changing your marriage changed how you parent?  Is it making you more or less patient with your kids?

In the beginning …

In In the Beginning on October 12, 2012 at 11:07 am

The first step is always the hardest … so here goes!  I doubt anyone will read this, so I am not going to spend a lot of time on background info.  But, for those of you that have stumbled across this blog, here is some basic information … I am 46 years old and I’ve been married to the same man (Henry) for 21 years.  We have 2 kids in college, 1 in highschool, 2 in jr. high and 2 in elementary (yep, 7 kids).  We are in the process of relocating my 92 year old Grandma from across the country to live with us.

Who is Liz?  Well, I am a little OCD (not clinically lol) and a lot type A, but I am trying very hard to reorganize my priorities.  I am a stay at home mom, a volunteer at church and school(s), involved in my community and sometimes coach 2-3 different sports teams at the same time!  Henry and I have recently adopted ‘a new dynamic’  into our marriage and believe the man is the head of the household.  So .. yeah!  the type A controlling wife is now giving 51% of the power over to hubby… just a little surprising huh?  I set this blog up to help me organize my thoughts about THAT and by doing so maybe help someone else who is considering this path.  I’ll be letting you know how our new roles unfolds and my thoughts about incorporating this into our marriage.  I also need an outlet to express my total FEAR about having Grandma move in with us…it’s the kind of fear that is waking me up at 2 in the morning … and I am just too prideful to let myself share the FEAR with anyone else!!

If anyone has advice to share, please SHARE!  I would really love to meet some kindred spirits that might be able to help me walk down this new path.

Liz

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