Life of Liz

Posts Tagged ‘red pill’

Some things need Re-examining

In Authentic Life, Goals, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill on April 18, 2013 at 6:57 am

Having sent two of our six daughters off to college, we have learned a few things.  So before the younger four are to follow, we’ve been making several adjustments in the ways that we are parenting and preparing the next group for college and the world.  However, we may also be facing some bigger changes, that while possibly necessary – at least initially they will cause discomfort and will be uncharted roads for our family.

The older two didn’t have the benefit of our red pill world view.  Personally, I think I did something’s okay … Married for 20+ years, encouraged personal relationships with God, encouraged community involvement, tried to instill a sense of modesty.  I home-schooled them through 5th grade, (imparting a love of literature) and then continued to be involved in their education by volunteering at their schools.

But some things need re-examining:

In high school, the 2 oldest spent nearly 95% of their free time either playing a sport or studying so neither left for college very well rounded.  I was too discipline orientated and often didn’t understand this method didn’t allow them to develop the self control tools they would need to be successful once my barriers disappeared.  I didn’t facilitate Henry’s leadership in our home – but instead challenged him and diluted his role pretty consistently.

I had bought into the notion that today’s man would want a strong and independent woman.  I didn’t think much about feminine/masculine attraction and I definitely wasn’t thinking about marriage as the end goal when planning out at least the immediate future for my older girls.

But now, our second daughter is struggling to navigate the hook-up culture on her campus.  It breaks my heart to hear her explanation as to why so many girls stay plugged into the cycle.  Essentially they’ve bought into the lie, a mix of everyone is doing it and if you’re not doing it there must be something wrong with you.   And don’t forget they’ve been told their entire lives that meaningless sex is the prize that we’ve been fighting for so they had better seize the opportunity! The first girl to step away and even hint at the idea that hooking up is neither enjoyable nor beneficial would be quickly ostracized by the group, declared a prude (definition “displaying sound judgment in practical affairs”), or a loser or any other term that would accomplish the purpose of keeping everyone in line!  18-22 year old girls might be unashamed and reckless but they are probably not going to reject the status quo when all they really want is to fit in and be accepted.

My self reflection comes on the heels of my college aged daughters coming home for spring break.   There visit started me thinking “if I believe being a wife and a mother brings fulfillment to a woman and if this is the ultimate end goal – what did I do … what am I doing … to raise daughters who are able to attract, fall in love and then marry a man?” – And taking it further, wouldn’t it seem logical to plan their days to allow time to teach them how to present themselves to the world in a way that would accomplish said goal?

It is not hard to find entire blogs written by men exploring how they were lied to by well meaning but clueless adults (usually female) who held steadfast to the mantra “just be nice and you’ll find a nice girl” – they were nice and they are alone.  What are we, adult women, teaching our daughters and will it enable them to become fulfilled wives and mothers?

I think the answer is No!  I am starting to realize that everything that I thought was ‘right’ is actually ‘wrong’ … and the first thing that comes to my mind is the role of sports in the lives of my daughters.  In our house, playing sports takes up a huge amount of time.  Could that time be better spent if they played at a lower level?

And then I overheard this conversation last week between Daughter #2 (who is attending college on a full basketball scholarship) and one of her younger siblings:

Daughter #2:  “if you are good at both sports <basketball and soccer> then concentrate on soccer”

Sibling: “why?  I like playing both and you play basketball and you love it, right”

Daughter #2: “because basketball is the least feminine sport there is and boys have a preconceived idea of what a female basketball player looks/acts like and I hate it – given the chance I would have concentrated on either volleyball or soccer…

She continues:  and so many of the girls playing college basketball are gay so boys are constantly making jokes about it.  Even the coaches are mostly gay so we have to wear pants and dress like boys even though I see the soccer/volleyball/softball girls looking all girlie at team events.”

I had no idea she felt this way!  Is her experimentation with the hookup culture a rationalized way for her to be accepted and to express herself as a woman?

The second area that requires meaningful reflection is how and why we encourage certain educational goals.  Daughter #1 graduated high school with a 4.3 GPA and is now studying at a top tier university. But … getting her there took its toll.  She was miserable in high school.  She didn’t have time to attend many (most) extra curricular events (other than ones that complimented college applications) and developed poor coping techniques, that thankfully I clued into and navigated her through.  She’s doing well in her 2nd year of college – she joined a sorority (yeah, girl power) and is excelling academically, but to what end?  What is the goal?  Is it to compete with men until she is 32-35 and then start looking for a husband?  I know my preparation doesn’t have her focused (or even considering) marriage and family as worthwhile goals at this stage of her life.

How many, if any mothers are purposely training their daughters to take womanhood seriously?  And if we are not investing time in training them in true womanhood, then why are we so surprised when they so easily reject being a stay at home mom and instead buy into the lie of “we can have it all” only to become disengaged 3-5 years after the wedding ceremony?

So where exactly does our parenting go from here?  That is the million dollar question.  What happens if we were to have the 14 and 12 year old free up some time by playing sports at a lower level?  Or what happens if we don’t place quite as much emphasis on excelling academically? What is the right answer?  I guess it will be back to the drawing board and time spent with God, seeking His wisdom.

And on a lighter note … assuming the answers will only come with much time spent in prayer and reflection, then WHERE am I going to get the needed time?  #notimetoaskGod#gottagetthingsdone#wronganswer!

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A Question for Men

In Authentic Life, Goal, Red Pill on April 12, 2013 at 6:30 am

I love seeing life through post red pill glasses.  For example, I recently helped chaperon a field trip for my 6th grade daughter.  In all, 75 kids, mostly all 12 years of age.  The trip required a bus trip into the city, which meant an hour each direction so I was able to spend some quality time and gain a bird’s eye view of their interactions.  Here are some things I observed:

Jonathan, a twin was the first boy to catch my attention.  He’s is easily shorter than most, but what he lacks in height he made up for in confidence.    This kid was equally charming, yet respectful to adults and up for anything and playful with both boys and girls. In fact, while we were waiting for the buses to come back for our return trip he took a dare and danced to his iPhone, pretending to be a street performer.   That held the attention of girls that were easy going and cute – but eye rolls from another group of girls that were pretty, but awkward.  He could also rattle off upcoming games for our local MLB teams, how the local NBA team would fare in the playoffs and why he thinks the Kings should remain in Sacramento so it appeared he also had a niche within the boys club.  And I noticed less confident boys navigating towards him, trying to appear as though they were in his group.  I didn’t know boys did that!

How will he fare as he gets older?

Will he jump at the chance to become tied to a girlfriend and let her rule his life? If she breaks his heart will he recover?  If he doesn’t get taller (and the other boys do) will it affect his confidence?  Or will he date many girls through out high school and graduate with his confidence through the roof?  By the way, his twin brother doesn’t have the same charisma and also seems introverted – but doesn’t cower to his more outgoing twin.

Boy Group:  Not very well defined, but probably 10-15 that comprised the core. For the most part they were able to completely entertain themselves without involving the girls.  However, I soon noticed Girl Group #2 was always near by and watching or interacting with the boys.  The girls came to them.  Will this change in high school?  I’ve read a lot of manosphere blogs that speak to the toll high school can take on a boys self confidence so I am wondering if most boys possess self confidence prior to high school and if they do, what happens when they get into high school?  As a side note, it seemed the core 10-15 boys were confident and comfortable and unlike a girls’ group I did not perceive any power struggles or one upping behavior.

Girl Group #1:  A small exclusive group (less than 12) that was made up of  pretty, but somewhat awkward girls that seemed to serve the purpose of making the other kids feel self conscience.  At first I assumed this was the ‘popular’ group, but upon a second glance I didn’t know.  They didn’t smile much; they played on their phones and looked around to see who may have been noticing them.  They seemed to understand (at 12!) how to dress for boys.  Honestly, they appeared bored with life already.  Later on my daughter confirmed they were the ‘popular’ group … but for how long is my question.  In high school will their looks be enough to attract the boys?   Do 14-17 year old boys care about more than appearances?

Girl Group #2:  Larger and less well defined, made up of easy going ‘cute’ girls at first glance and seemed to be the up and coming group.  That is until I put on my Red Pill glasses and spied mostly short hair, androgynous dress and very little femininity.    If this group figures out how to be girls they could go far because I perceived they made the boys feel comfortable and they were fun to be around and could be prettier with longer hair and more girlie attire.

My daughter is in Group 2, although she does have long hair.  But I understand raising daughters.  I’ll keep finding creative ways to nurture her femininity so that hopefully she’ll receive some positive feedback which will set her up for success in 5-10 years.

My son though is an entirely different animal!  So men, if you were able to go back to middle school and then re-do high school what would you do differently?  How would you make that time of your life better?

Be careful what you wish for

In Authentic Life, Bat Shit Crazy, Out of the Comfort Zone, Rationalization Hamster, Red Pill, Shit Test on April 10, 2013 at 7:09 pm

This isn’t going to be a nice post; it’s not going to be a rational post or even a post that will make me fondly remember THIS chapter of my life.

Jumping back a few months, it had been a year or so that Henry and I had been evolving within our marriage and shifting towards a Henry led dynamic.  We were progressing at break neck speeds at first; and then a little slower as the newness began to wear off.  And since I have a hard time embracing the popular phrase “it’s a journey, not a race” I was just about at the point of starting to become frustrated with Henry’s slow (as in, slower than what I desired) progress in regaining the Alpha traits that I so desired.  It was round about this time that I read Ian Ironwoods post explaining what wives could do to ‘up the alpha’ within their marriage while also letting the husband grow in his leadership.  So I Read it … Got it … Acted on it … And once again we were soaring through the great unknown; Henry comfortably leading the charge and Liz cheerfully following his lead.

But then IT happened.  IT knocked the air right out of my lungs (lungs that have increased capacity thanks to the years I’ve spent running on the wheel) and set ME back a few giant steps.hamster

My new reality began last Friday night, which was in large part because our 17 year old daughter went completely Bat Shit Crazy in a way that only a 17 year old girl is capable of.  To say it was an incredibly stressful night is an understatement.  We experienced much yelling, crying and storming out, only to have her return and repeat until she finally left, and stayed gone until Saturday night.  But Saturday night was productive and after a marathon round of conversations we hugged and pressed forward (was there any other choice?).

By Sunday morning I felt as though I’d been run over by a train, so I did what any good Mom would do … I got everyone in the house up and rallied to attend the early church service.  And then it began to unravel on me … a little comment here, an eye roll there … until about half way through the day when I went all in and tried to pick a fight with Henry.  Why?  I don’t know why – just because!!  Maybe it was a diversion from the past 48 hours or maybe because I could yell at him in a way I couldn’t yell at our daughter the day before.  So, I am ‘all in’ and he is … yep, just not biting!  I couldn’t believe it.

Now mind you, there was a distant possibility that I could have called out my inner BSCC (Bat Shit Crazy Chick) and really taken this thing to a new low.  But before that could happen, you won’t believe what he actually had the nerve to ask me.  He actually said “You done” – from a post I had passed onto him a while back.  He used it on me!!  And he followed it up with a smug half grin/chuckle.  And then he WALKED away and started horsing around with our son.  Are you kidding me?  What is going on here?

Was I pissed?  Oh ya.  But truthfully I didn’t have a clue what my next move would be … because do you have any idea how hard it is to work yourself into BSCC mode only to have your intended audience not only refuse to succumb to your shit test, but also to reflect back to you just how ridiculous you are behaving?

What happened?  How did the rest of the evening unfold and where are things today?  Some probably already know, others will have an Aha Moment and some who haven’t yet taken their own dose of the Red Pill will be confused.  So what happened?  Well later Sunday night we had mind-bending, yes … mind-bending sex.  And although I will deny it until the day I die … I think I had to initiate –!  sex-and-the-sleepy-1

Houston – we have a problem … Liz is losing it and Henry is getting it and everyone is “O”ver taken with pleasure.

Being the quick learner that I am tells me I won’t be letting myself digress into BSCC mode anytime soon because even though the sex was great, I will tell you honestly that I did not enjoy the rest of the experience at all; in fact, I was equally horrified by my willingness to jump right back into full fledged Old School Liz and the ease by which I can still summon BSCC at a moments notice.  I can think of many excuses (rationalizations?) that ultimately led to my unraveling – too much time apart, Grandma, teens home from college, and then the incident Friday night – but truthfully, I really just made the choice to embrace a habit that I had employed for 20+ years and did so probably without even a conscience thought.  I had stress so I tried to create some stress to relieve my own stress.  That about sums it up.

I keep hearing that phrase … it’s a journey, not a race.  Well thank goodness because I almost lost the entire contest.

Click Worthy

In Links on April 3, 2013 at 7:07 am

Thoughts On Happiness, Love, and Finally Meeting The One  mysoulmate I bought it hook, line and sinker!!

Why do we encourage college, but punish marriage? – I just found this blog and love it!

“College improves your earning prospects.  So does marriage.  Education makes you more likely to live longer.  So does marriage.  Yet while many economist vocally support initiatives to move more people into college, very few of them vocally favor initiatives to get more people married.”

Sexual Harrassment and You – Saturday Night Live – The 3 Keys to workplace romance:  Be Handsome, Be Attractive, Don’t be Unattractive.

This great advice can be found here – as can a lot of other great clicks!  “We rebelled against our wise parents who tried to protect us from the poor choices we might make while young. In our rebellion, my sister ended up in exactly the situation our wise parents tried to protect us from. When, while still in a state of continued rebellion, I tried to force my parents to save her from her own rebellion they treated my sister like an adult capable of agency, just as we demanded they treat us. How dare they treat us like adults when we demand to be treated like adults.”

Worthless

I bought 2 copies of Aaron Clarey’s book – one for me and one delivered to my college freshman daughter who “deserves an exciting job, not a boring drain like her dad has working in an office everyday” …

I am keeping my fingers crossed she’ll get curious enough to read it!

I haven’t read a lot here, but Henry has … Phase Frame Workout Plan

50 Dangerous Things (you should let your children do) dangersous

The home-schooling mom writes … “I picked up this book after hearing about it from my friends at Toadhaven – who are always doing something really fun!  Some things are more interesting/fun/daring than others, but we’ve committed to try them all and post about it.  Maybe we will make up a few of our own in the end.”

Here’s a sampling …

•  Cook Something in the Dishwasher

•  Find a Beehive

•  Cross Town on Public Transit

•  Deconstruct an Appliance

•  Go to the Dump

•  Learn Dramatic Sword Fighting

•  Make a Slingshot

•  Climb a Tree

•  Climb on the Roof

•  Squash Pennies on a Railroad Track

•  Spend an Hour Blindfolded

•  Bend Steel

•  Break Glass

Red Pill wisdom from a 5 year old … and 6 year old hypergamy?

In Authentic Life, Rationalization Hamster, Red Pill, Submission ... Oh My! on March 2, 2013 at 2:02 pm

Henry and I had our weekly “just us” dinner last night.  It was followed by our first maintenance session in about two weeks.

In my head I did not want to surrender; I didn’t resist, but I was just prepared to ‘go with the flow’.  But as it has happened many times prior, once started it seems that two things occur simultaneously … my boundaries are erased and Henry is once again firmly established as the leader.  Others have referenced how much meaningful conversation can be had in that ‘most compromising position’ and I would have to agree that I was able to relax enough to cry and express just how stressful the last weeks have been.  It was very liberating and will likely help us have a much better weekend.

Yes, I’ve had a lot of raw emotions that last few weeks.  Suffice to say, it is really hard having Grandma in our household.  It is causing me a lot of internal stress and the overflow is causing a lot of rough waters in our marriage.  I haven’t finished the ‘real’ post I am working on, but a few funny things have been said lately that warrant being passed along … they show that the Red Pill is still alive and kicking in our household!

  1.  On one particularly stressful rush out the door to school – I was in rare form when my youngest, (the only boy) said “No drama Mommy – men don’t like drama, remember?” … out of the mouths of babe’s!
  2. After our son’s first T-ball practice, a discussion followed about the batting technique preferred by the coach which differed from what had been presented by Daddy – to which my son said “I told the coach I am going to follow my Dad’s way b/c my dad’s played a lot of baseball and I trust him” …Upon hearing this, our 6 year old daughter replied …“Daddy played a lot of baseball, what like in college or just in high school?”  Hypergamy anyone?
  3. Our Freshman in college daughter likes a boy – the boy has a girlfriend back home, but she has that covered “I can tell he really likes me because I just feel a real connection between us and as soon as he figures it out he’ll dump her and be able to date me” … try as I may I can’t make her see that Dang Hamster at work!hamster
  4. It had been a particularly bad week as I was constantly spinning on my own hamster wheel (of course this was justified by the immense stress I am under, lol) – when I read this post Two Words Women Need To Hear… well Henry must have been reading it at just about the same time because no sooner had I finished my latest attempt to spin out of control when he simple replied “you done?” … Ugh!  I hate it when that type of logic is used against me!

A boy … and society’s plot to change that!

In Authentic Life, Goal, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill, Wisdom on February 20, 2013 at 10:21 am

boy

We want our son to be a boy and someday be a man.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Think again.  OK, to be fair, I came into this “mom of a son” thing with ZERO experience or expectation of what makes a boy tick.  Especially when you add in my background – a very controlling female role model in my mother; a very weak, beta-ized image of a man as seen in my dad constantly trying to appease my mother (who was often/many/ times Bat Shit Crazy; my own attempts at control in my own marriage (and yes, often that included Bat Shit Crazy moments and a long run on the hamster wheel) … Add in that our first 6 are daughters—and since our oldest is soon to be turning 21 – at minimum our 3 oldest girls grew up in the hey day of GIRL POWER – including the t-shirts and constant commentary of Girls are Better!girls

I don’t remember seeing any similar t-shirts for boys – either I wasn’t looking or boys (men) don’t feel the need to proclaim their superiority on their clothing? 

Anyhow, by the time our son was born I had gotten the message that girls were well behaved and wanted to learn and excel and boys were, well just NOT.  Not well behaved … had no desire to learn … not easy, not polite, not …. Anything that was similar to my daughters.  When our son was very young – maybe two (?) I actually reprimanded HIM for complaining when his sister (18 month older) took away his truck.  Yep I did!  Because SHE was the princess and HE needed to be fixed … and if I didn’t FIX him I had already seen how ‘his type’ was treated in my daughters’ classrooms.  Thankfully – just about this time, and I do consider this Divine Intervention, I stumbled upon some Red Pill references and then some Dd references and then had the moment described here and lo and behold Henry and I moved forward – for the first time in 20+ years.

OK, back to the point – We now saw clearly the obstacles our only son would surely face and we made a commitment .. and we have never looked back from …  making sure our son is free to be a boy and someday be a man.

But oh how much easier it would have been to just raise a BetaBoy!  We would get tons of support from educators – this is a true account of how one teacher (who is a really good lady who really loves kids) manages a class of 30 five year olds – who are sitting quietly on their appropriately colored carpet squares – and squirming ever so slightly – “ OK boys and girls, lets give ourselves a hug kinderand calm ourselves down; take a deep breath and get ready to listen to what I am about to tell you” … or

“No, we don’t allow balls anymore during recess; it is just too dangerous (the ball in question is a kickball type ball)”.

Ok, no balls.  What about running around on the playground?balls

“No, we prefer the kids don’t play on the grass during school hours (including recess) because they might get grass stains if they fall” …

Hmm, what are they permitted to do?

“ We’ve installed this beautiful, colorful play structure (at which point she pauses and gently shouts “boys, remember to wait your turn in line, everyone will get a chance to go down the slide”.

Well that sounds like fun, huh?

So this morning I opened the paper and read the headline … Cal coach Mike Montgomery’s shove ‘unacceptable’

Wow, that sounds bad!  A coach shoving a player; I buy it hook, line and sinker.  hook  Henry walks into the room and I express my outrage (our 2nd daughter plays D1 basketball so my protective mothering has kicked into high gear).

He replies “have you seen the shove?

And so we watch it

Wait – what?  This can’t be the shove … This video is of a coach – saying, very clearly “do you want to play?” to a highly talented athlete.  According to the newspaper this wasn’t necessarily the first time this very talented athlete had pushed his coaches’ buttons …

“Problem is that Montgomery wants consistent intensity, the ultra-talented Crabbe is not wired to deliver it, and this gets under the coach’s skin.”

So what happened after the shove?  The player took a spot on the end of Cal’s bench for a brief minute before the coach put him back in, and then took over from that point on.  He ended the game with a game high 23 points, 10 rebounds, 6 steals, 1 assist and 1 block.  He had is first double/double of the season – he hit a season high of five 3 pointers.  And they won – trailing by 15 with 16:01 – Cal went on to win the game 76-68 and the player (Crabbe) went on to score 10/23 points in the final 4 ½ minutes of the game.  The situation definitely sparked Crabbe, who scored 14 points in the second half after the Bears fell behind 47-32.  It also ignited the rest of the Bears, who closed the game on a 25-7 run.  And since it is a conference game – with both teams entering the game with an equal W/L, Cal walked away 8-5 and USC 7-6.  It was a needed win for the TEAM.  After the game – before the coach got wind of the nonsense of PC … this is what he had to say

“Worked, didn’t it?” Montgomery said of the exchange with Crabbe. “Allen Crabbe had come down twice went to the wrong side of the court and his guy shot two 3’s. I was trying to get him going. Probably overdid it a little bit but Allen’s my guy. We can’t win if he is not ready to play.”

And the team won.  So, what did the player make of the exchange?

“An emotional game was going on at the time and I guess he was just trying to motivate me,” said Crabbe, who also had 10 rebounds and six steals. “But everything’s fine. It’s under the bridge. He’s my coach, no hard feelings. We’re just going to keep moving on.”

I think Coach Montgomery made the right call.  I see this exchange as an acceptable version of Man Up.  This is from Ian Ironwood’s blog

When men tell other men to “Man Up” (usually) they are trying to improve the condition of the other man. In the Male Social Matrix men are generally encouraged to help each other like that as part of the process of turning a Guy in to a Man . . . or simply providing moral support for a difficult issue. While the emphasis in the MSM is overtly on competition between men, a long list of masculine codes, from basic sportsmanship to battlefield chivalry, are designed to mitigate that competitive nature by tacitly providing assistance to less-able men

The confrontation between Montgomery and Crabbe proved to be the tipping point of the game.  The coach (Man #1) wanted the player (Man #2) to improve his play.  And while the coach no doubt wanted (needed) to win this game, his statement above “Probably overdid it a little bit but Allen’s my guy” tells us he cares about this young man.  He knows that if this kid is going to have a future in basketball, he needs the “ultra talented Crabbe” to develop “consistent intensity” to reach the highest rung of his potential.  Or put more simply

When men tell other men to “Man Up” (usually) they are trying to improve the condition of the other man

Henry and I WANT our son to be pushed to be his best – and doesn’t it seem more appropriate for that shove to come from, well, another MAN?

So, the articles and the media attention about the shove have made me realize that it’s going to be a long, hard road to make sure our son is free to be a boy and someday be a man is achieved.

As an aside, our college athlete daughter had caught wind of the headline and had this to say … “I am constantly screamed at and emotionally manipulated by my female coaches and I never really know what they want out of me – at least Crabbe got a clear message – and he responded and they won.”  She then wondered “I bet Crabbe is kinda embarrassed, I mean – he’s the best player and he wasn’t working hard and his coach called him out and now his coach is getting bad media. And he’s probably thankful he did call him out and it’s a good thing for Crabbe that he did turn it around because if they would have lost, the papers would have written for days about Crabbe letting everyone down.”

But as it stands, the coach has now apologized, the school AD has expressed her outrage and the media is shocked that this could have happened.  I guess on the positive side, the up and coming generation of current kindergartners probably won’t turn into ultra competitive ball players, but instead will one day be stars in the cut throat sport of “Turn Taking” – sure to make D1 programs at a local university near you soon!

It’s Sunday … Time to Pass the Plate

In Authentic Life, Out of the Comfort Zone, Red Pill, Wisdom on February 18, 2013 at 11:14 am

I wanted to pass along a few links … the first is a video by Jenna Marbles!!

Yes she uses a lot of offensive language (F word!) but I think it’s really worth it to see a 20 something girl express her outrage at the UNFAIRness that is so prevalent in today’s society.  Go girl!

Next up is Ian Ironwood, over at The Red Pill Room …Girl Game: Extend An Invitation.  It is  long, but really worthwhile.  It addresses (from a male /husband/ perspective) something that is often mentioned … “how can I help my husband be the leader?”.  If you have time, search around on Ian’s website because he has A LOT of really good insight.  The post about the term Man Up will never be used again after we read Ian’s post! Really Good!!

And finally, anther male blogger that I’ve learned a lot from is The Private Man … I particularly liked this post titled Describing The Feminine.  As the mother of 6 daughters I find articles like this one informative and a good reminder that it is through attracting a man that my daughters will hopefully be able to experience all that their femininity affords them…or put another way, by being comfortable with their own femininity, they will likely attract the sort of man that will make it easy for them to grow within their femininity.

I am working on post about how it’s been adding Grandma into the mix and how Henry’s new job is also shaking things up; to say it’s been an easy couple of months would be a huge understatement!     To say that I am succeeding in my submission or that ttwd is easy right now would also be a big lie!  Nope!  No easy peasy right now … but that post is still too raw.

“a Sighting of the Shrew”

In In the Beginning on January 27, 2013 at 8:11 am

Bossy wife 13Henry investigated accepting a new job last week for all the typical reasons (advancement, pay, benefits, etc).  The only negative was the location – about 40 minutes from home, whereas he currently works 10 minutes away.  Well to make a long story short, his current employer matched the new offer (at least financially) which set off an entire week of weighing the pros and cons of each offer. Here are some things that I learned:

  • Henry is not as ‘polite’ as me!  Let me explain.  During the process of deciding between offer 1 and offer 2 – both companies had to wait for his decision.  Henry was comfortable making them wait.  This was hard for me because, well it seemed rude to make someone wait and also what if they changed their mind while they were waiting or what if they were offended b/c he made them wait??  Difference one between me and H…he has the b*lls to play chicken.
  • Both offers were good yet Henry negotiated for more!  No – you don’t ask for more than what was offered!
  • I wanted a decision and I wanted to move on and I didn’t want to weigh and re-weigh the pros and cons AGAIN.  2nd Difference between us … Henry is patient and willing to thoroughly examine a situation from all angles so he can be 100% comfortable with the decision.  Me, not so much, but then again – I don’t support 9 people.  Is it because I could more easily reach a decision and then shrug off the ramifications of a poor choice?
  •  I still have an involuntary knee-jerk reaction to proclaim any version of “man up”!   I thought that had fallen away in my new enlightenment, but it was so very easy to slip backward and it took considerable effort to not fall!  Ok, maybe I slipped a little…
  • I took Henry’s thoroughness as a sign of weakness and I pounced!  For a brief moment the Shrew was baack!!

talkIn the end he asked the new company for more … and they said yes; His last day was Friday and next week he starts a new chapter, at a new company.  Somewhere in the middle I saw how far we’ve come and how much further I have to go!

Rationalization Hamster, part 1

In Authentic Life, Out of the Comfort Zone, Rationalization Hamster, Wisdom on January 9, 2013 at 6:09 am

I’ve learned so much about myself and women in general from reading blogs written by men!  One thing some of my favorite manosphere bloggers do very well is give context to behaviors – which in turns makes it very tangible to see and understand.  A great example?  The term Rationalization Hamster.

The Private Man wrote a great post where he describes the “Rationalization Hamster” in detail.  It is basically an “analogy for the thought processes used by women to turn bad behavior and bad decisions into acceptable ones to herself and her friends” … hmm, I’ve never done that, have I?  hamster

As the mother of 2 college aged daughters, who until recently were fed popular feminist beliefs by yours truly, I was more than a little curious about how my daughters might utilize their rationalization hamsters to justify bad behavior.  Below is a summary of a conversation I had with our oldest while she was home from break.

Basically Elizabeth relayed to me a ‘situation’ that had unfolded on New Year’s Eve for one of her sorority sisters, mind you our daughter was at home (with us) on New Year’s Eve).  We’ll call this sorority sister BD (for ‘historically makes Bad Decisions regarding her own behavior with boys).  It seems BD had downed 4-5 shots of tequila within the hour (I am told this is not uncommon behavior among girls – so they don’t drink a lot in front of the boys and b/c the boys have ‘handles’ that taste bad!) and then proceeded to go with her friends to a Frat House party.  At some point, a boy strongly suggested he and BD hook-up; BD did not necessarily want to hookup and she wasn’t giving the ‘go ahead’ signal. But boy didn’t pay attention and ‘yada yada yada’ it went further than BD wanted.

Now as a mom of daughters (2 in k-8, 2 in high school, 2 in college) I will always hold the line that “no means no”.  Some would say this is my Rationalization Hamster at work, but for me – coming from a place of very limited sexual experience before marriage – if I said ‘no’ (or in any way indicated NO) I would have fully expected cooperation and for the boy to stop pressuring me into whatever.

But as I expressed my outrage to my daughter about her friends plight, my daughter, without emotion simply said …

“Mom, whether she was giving the go ahead signal or not, the mere fact that she downed 4-5 shots and then went to a Frat party is her willing participation in the hookup that followed”

and she continued

“There was a 75% chance she’d be hooking up – she knew it and the boys that attended the Frat party knew it – if she feels bad or violated now it is only because she is shrieking responsibility for her own actions”

Wow.  I did not expect that from my daughter.  Now mind you, she was very sensitive to BD  and truly wishes the events of the evening didn’t transpire – she just didn’t buy the spin that BD’s hamster was selling.

A few more thoughts as a mom – both of our daughters attend college about 6 hours away from home (in different directions!).  I am aware that whatever social media or random pictures I might see could be completely censored for my eyes – so instead I depend on the depth of our established relationships and frequent interactions to get a feel for what decisions my daughters are making when away from home.  Our Elizabeth is a very attractive, socially connected young woman – who is very comfortable with herself and with boys.  I was more than a little impressed at her willingness to hold BD (and herself (?)) personally responsible for how a situation can unfold.

I have another post that I am working on, Rationalization Hamster, part 2 where I am going to discuss how this same daughter is comfortable using what Feminist thought they were fighting for in a completely unintended way.  Stay tuned!

Out with the OLD in with the NEW

In Authentic Life, Out of the Comfort Zone, Submission ... Oh My!, The Countdown begins on January 1, 2013 at 9:27 am

Things I learned in 2012 

spoon

  • Wooden spoons – not just for cooking!
  • Red Pill – not a decongestant!
    manosphere
  • Manosphere – don’t believe everything you BELIEVE!
  • 90 – Is the new 60 (proof – GRANDMA!)
  • De-Escalation warfare – or ways I’ve learned to not incite my volatile 17 year old daughter during an argument.  Thanks Dr. Phil for drilling into my head “ask yourself, ‘what is their payout’ cause there is always a payout”dr phil
  • Medicare is very confusing and has a lot of odd options – how Grandma managed to have coverage for the past 20 years is a miracle!

Goals for 2013

  • GOD:

*Set aside time everyday to hear God’s voice – quiet, me time.  The most logical time would be getting up 30 minutes early.

*Do the homework required for my weekly Women’s group Bible Study.

*Pray for wisdom for Henry to lead our family.

  • HEALTH:

Work out 2-3 times a week, every week.  I currently do not work out in any fashion and have been blessed with very good genes.  BUT – with the additional stress of Grandma and staring down 50 in >5 years the time is NOW.  Henry’s company provides a free health club, the youngest is in kindergarten until 11:45, so there is really NO reason this can’t happen.  Feel free to motivate, harass and or shame as desired J

  • MARRIAGE:

My submission – sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward, one step back in my ability to be the wife and ‘helpmate’ I desire to be.  I’d like the upcoming year to see me more aware of my decisions and become more consistent in my actions, words and reactions to Henry.

  • MOTHERHOOD:

*Spend more time outside with my youngest after kinder pick up – this includes setting up play dates.  Note, I was very active when my oldest were young – but I now suffer from a ‘been there, done that’ mentality that needs to change!

*Take the youngest to the zoo, the aquarium, local working farm, China Town and ride the ferry to the Wharf and the beach.  Actively engage while enjoying these events and try to ‘see’ through their eyes. Surely I can commit to 6 activities over a 12 month period, right?

*Create a “me and mommy” reoccurring DATE with my 5th daughter

*Attend a weekend retreat with my 17 year old daughter

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