Life of Liz

Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Click Worthy 4/18/2013

In Links on April 19, 2013 at 11:20 am

So many good posts this week!  Enjoy

 

gabrielle_reece_02

An accomplished athlete who is also a submissive wife

and brave enough to write about it?  gabrielle_reece_01

Now would you call Gabrielle Reece… Meek?         

Love Is An Action Verb – love = commitment, not feeling!  Why?  Feelings  change – but commitment is an act of your will.  The Society of Phineas explores the subject further ” When emotion and feel-goodism cloud reason and logical thought, you have problems”

Lovestruck … “In our new view, romantic love makes sex moral, and the purpose of marriage is to publicly declare that you are experiencing the highest form of romantic love”

But we were in love … have we conformed to this world?  Are we teaching and practicing chastity before marriage? Commenter Frank sums it up, “How about it’s best to save sex for marriage because to do anything otherwise is to disobey God’s word?”

Who rushed in to help?  Yep … once again it’s the MEN pushing to the front of the line!

But just because MEN are decent and dependable doesn’t mean their wives should owe them anything just because not having sex makes men depressed, suicidal.

Being a man DOES mean you can expect special attention at work … that no one else will notice or care it is being paid to you.

Never one to mince words … or give an opinion  or maybe just a little rant

to help you see the light! 

But if you are feeling reflective, I dare you to accept this challenge:  30 Days Of Truth

And finally thank goodness Ian posted this long after I secured a ring on my finger  … I’ve been told I can be just a little Bat Shit Crazy at times …

 

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Click Worthy

In Links on April 3, 2013 at 7:07 am

Thoughts On Happiness, Love, and Finally Meeting The One  mysoulmate I bought it hook, line and sinker!!

Why do we encourage college, but punish marriage? – I just found this blog and love it!

“College improves your earning prospects.  So does marriage.  Education makes you more likely to live longer.  So does marriage.  Yet while many economist vocally support initiatives to move more people into college, very few of them vocally favor initiatives to get more people married.”

Sexual Harrassment and You – Saturday Night Live – The 3 Keys to workplace romance:  Be Handsome, Be Attractive, Don’t be Unattractive.

This great advice can be found here – as can a lot of other great clicks!  “We rebelled against our wise parents who tried to protect us from the poor choices we might make while young. In our rebellion, my sister ended up in exactly the situation our wise parents tried to protect us from. When, while still in a state of continued rebellion, I tried to force my parents to save her from her own rebellion they treated my sister like an adult capable of agency, just as we demanded they treat us. How dare they treat us like adults when we demand to be treated like adults.”

Worthless

I bought 2 copies of Aaron Clarey’s book – one for me and one delivered to my college freshman daughter who “deserves an exciting job, not a boring drain like her dad has working in an office everyday” …

I am keeping my fingers crossed she’ll get curious enough to read it!

I haven’t read a lot here, but Henry has … Phase Frame Workout Plan

50 Dangerous Things (you should let your children do) dangersous

The home-schooling mom writes … “I picked up this book after hearing about it from my friends at Toadhaven – who are always doing something really fun!  Some things are more interesting/fun/daring than others, but we’ve committed to try them all and post about it.  Maybe we will make up a few of our own in the end.”

Here’s a sampling …

•  Cook Something in the Dishwasher

•  Find a Beehive

•  Cross Town on Public Transit

•  Deconstruct an Appliance

•  Go to the Dump

•  Learn Dramatic Sword Fighting

•  Make a Slingshot

•  Climb a Tree

•  Climb on the Roof

•  Squash Pennies on a Railroad Track

•  Spend an Hour Blindfolded

•  Bend Steel

•  Break Glass

It started last Friday night…

In Authentic Life, Out of the Comfort Zone, Shit Test on March 21, 2013 at 11:07 am

Shit test: A test that a girl performs on a male by saying or doing something to judge the reaction from him OR when a woman gives a guy a hard time, usually for the purpose of seeing how he will react.

Batshit crazy: Extreme to a degree bordering on complete insanity. The state in which one makes decisions which make the exact opposite of logic OR speech or behavior that is over the top, unhinged, self-destructive, or a threat to others.

I was in the midst of a particularly difficult series of interchanges with my 90 year old, never happy, always complaining Grandma and I called Henry to vent and to receive comfort.  It was around 4:30 and since I have an expectation (it’s important to recognize it is MY expectation) for him to leave the office around 5 on Friday we chatted and I vented and then we hung up and I assumed that he would be heading home shortly.

It wasn’t until close to 8:00 that he finally arrived home… Are you effing kidding me?  Here is the way things began to connect in my head:

math

I was completely distraught at 4:30 and I needed you + You know how important it is to me that you leave at a reasonable time on Friday’s = You must not care about me/us/our family AT ALL since you so easily made the decision to work late TONIGHT of all nights.

So the shit test began and then it spiraled out of control before my own eyes until I was legitimately Bat Shit Crazy.  I screamed and yelled and tried my hardest to pull apart what we’ve spent the better part of a year and a half building!

The funny thing about married life Shit Tests is how they can start off with a legitimate argument or complaint, but judging from how he reacts (this is very fluid, by the way) all the anger and hurt feelings inside seems to overflow and try to destroy everything within reach.  After a point, the Bat Shit Crazy takes over and finds a way to make him pay for me feeling not in control of a situation – Grandma and his work/life balance to start.   As hard as it is to write that sentence, that is exactly where things went.

Henry handled things well for the initial avalanche that I launched at him, but then he’d had enough…but the hamster kept spinning and used up the better part of the weekend.  It was only when he began to take away a part of himself; when he started to withdraw and actually extract himself from within my reach that I was knocked into my senses and was able to realize the damage I was doing.  I was using my own stress to shake the foundation we’ve been building over the last 18 months.  I recognized that I had two choices and neither one was going to be comfortable. I could continue down the road of destruction and put our marriage, our family and kids at risk OR I could just stop.

I chose to stop.  Being the coward that I am, I sent him a text that read “I was wrong.  This is my fault.  I am sorry”.  That was enough to at least get us civil again.  When a few hours later he told me to “go and prepare” I knew what he meant.

I went to our room; I changed into something appropriate and I used the remaining time to reflect on the past 48 hours.

UGLY:   morally offensive or objectionable

or unpleasant in any way or sense

That is the only word that comes to my mind.  When he finally came into our room I was curled in a ball, crying.  I don’t know how long we lay in our bed or how long I wept.  When it was over, we were healed.  There was no need for discipline.  The objective had been achieved and I was able to mourn the UGLY that I had produced.

Monday morning came with battle weary scars.  Yes, we are moving forward but I now know and understand that there is a limit to how much SHIT you can create during a SHIT test and how BAT SHIT CRAZY you can go … because once you’ve reached TOO MUCH SHIT – you end up in a really bad place.  I felt it important to write this post if for no other reason than to remind myself how much can change in the blink of an eye.

Submission is not a feeling, it is a Choice

In Authentic Life, In the Beginning, Out of the Comfort Zone, Wisdom on January 16, 2013 at 8:03 am

I found this article very interesting.  I became a Stepford wife and saved my marriage. I’ve pulled out some key parts, but I encourage you to read it in its entirety.  It drew a lot of parallels to my own life/marriage and how we’ve been able to incorporate the philosophies of ‘surrender’.

Ellen says: ‘More and more women are working, becoming CEOs of companies and gaining status in the work world. It is very hard for them to come home and be a feminine person and a wife, and be loving and soft and caring – they just come home with this boss attitude instead.’  

No, I have not worked since we have had kids, but the transition from being the CEO running a large family into Henry’s wife is similar.

When I first began surrendering to Henry, in seemingly small and insignificant ways, our 17 yo daughter was visibly uncomfortable.  The contrast between Liz pS (preSurrender) and Liz PS (PostSurrender) is night and day and her reaction both amazed and saddened me.

But I didn’t actually realize just how much my behavior had affected the whole family until I gave in to Ali for the first time, and both he and Yasmin started to cry because they were so happy and relieved.’

Our house, our kids have benefited numerous ways from my shift into a Surrender Wife. A great thing about kids is when you start missing the mark, or more simply, when I slip back into Liz pS, they are not afraid to say something, even if it is painful to hear!  Last week our 5 year old son said “Mommy, if wives always yell at the dads then why do the dad’s want to come home?  Why don’t the dad’s go play instead of getting in trouble?”  Hard to hear, yes.  But it showed how far we had come because a year ago, me yelling at H would not have anyone batting an eye.

So it is not for lack of compelling positive reactions that make the Surrendered Wife road the right choice for me, but   Karen says it well;

‘I have been raised as an independent woman and the Surrendered Wife movement goes against everything I’ve stood for.

Yep!  And everything society tells us we should want.

‘But, incredibly, it has saved my marriage.

Mine too!

I don’t do more housework – I do less, because Ali is so amazed to be thanked so nicely for every small thing he does that he has started loading the dishwasher for the first time in years.

‘Before, I would just have criticized him for putting the dishes in the wrong way. He is so thrilled with the “New” Karen that he even told me to sit and watch a film the other night so he could do the ironing.

As I willingly defer to Henry’s leadership I too find that he is self motivated to do the small things that I probably nagged him about NOT doing for years.  pS Liz was very concerned in making sure H did ‘his fair share’ and it caused many hurt feelings and unfulfilled expectations.  Post surrender, we’ve even had an occasional tiff when he’s tried to clean up the kitchen after dinner and it only serves to make ME want to see HIM relaxing after HIS day at the office.  What am I to do?  Well, I am not sure of the correct answer, but once I insisted I would clean up; and once I submitted myself to his desire to bless me and he cleaned up.  Either way, it turned out as a win-win.

What has become apparent to me in the chaos of the last 6 weeks is Henry’s willingness to engage and lead US back onto solid ground.

‘He appreciates there is a closeness between us that we had lost.’

Liz pS used to be the one trying to fix our marriage with whatever ideas Redbook or Self suggested.  Now looking back I realize I was trying to change Henry into my version of who I thought he should be.  The problem with that is I really didn’t know who I wanted him to be and in hind sight – the man I married 20 years ago, the man who could run his own life and handle anything – the man I tried to beat out of Henry is the man I NEEDED him to be and Redbook offered no advice to get HIM back.

Ali himself – a husband so henpecked he still bears mental scars – agrees his wife’s change of character altered the dynamics of their marriage dramatically

I guess this post is more about reminding myself to make the internal choice to stay focused on what is really important for me, our marriage and our family to live in harmony.

Just as I believe ‘Love is not a feeling, it is a Commitment’ going forward I want to remind myself that likewise “Submission is not a feeling, it is a Choice”. Because in the end, it is all about the choices we make.

 

 

Have Men been SUBMISSIVE to Women?

In 1950's wife of Today, Authentic Life, In the Beginning, Red Pill on December 2, 2012 at 9:36 am

I have a lot of rambling thoughts; please bear with me as I try to write a cohesive post.  I am going to use Henry as my reference point, but to a large degree ‘Henry’ could be replaced with the name of any man – or ‘Men in general’.  Likewise, when I reference myself – you can easily replace your name – or “Women in general”. This post was easier for me to write in the 3rd person.

Henry is reasonable.  He is not quick to react and does not act in haste.  He is not prone to display his emotions during a heated debate.  Adjectives used to describe him are logical, practical and level headed.

Liz is volatile.  She likes to get things done quickly and has often jumped in before examining all the mitigating factors.  She is emotional.  Adjectives used to describe her are impulsive, unpredictable and unstable. 

Every time ‘Henry’ is referenced think of the above and do likewise for ‘Liz’ references.

For the first 19 years of their marriage, Liz was the de facto leader of their union.  Liz won her position by exploiting Henry; by using the essence of his Manhood against him.  Translation …  She flipped his strengths and turned them into weaknesses.  Take Henry’s nature to not act hastily.  Liz was able to convince Henry his thoughtful nature was a fault.  She used convincing arguments to support her POV, the loudest being “you’re not leading us the way I think it should be done” translation “you’re not a man”.  She countered Henry’s logical and level headedness with unpredictable and emotion laden outburst.  Henry resented Liz and over the course of 19 years many power struggles ensued.  Being an alpha male by nature – Henry won a majority of the battles.  And then Liz played her trump card.   She countered with unrelenting determination every effort by Henry to live in a logical, practical environment which in turned forced him, in an effort to save himself, to seemingly SUBMIT to her de facto leadership.

Synonyms for the word Submit:   abide, accede, acknowledge, acquiesce, agree, appease, concede, defer, give in, give way, go with the flow, grin and bear it, humor, indulge, kowtow, lay down arms, obey, put up with, quit, relent, relinquish, resign oneself, stoop, succumb, surrender, throw in the towel, toe the line, tolerate, truckle, withstand, yield

Still, Liz was not satisfied.  She wasn’t leading Henry; he had simply removed himself (not physically, but definitely emotionally) from her 19 year reign of terror.

And then it happened.  Either through Divine intervention or basic human survival Liz was able to catch a glimpse of what she had spent 19 years creating.   She saw a contentious marriage to a withdrawn and resentful man.  She saw her 6 daughters grow up as good students (or maybe she was a very resourceful teacher?) already mimicking her Total Domination Relationship Management techniques in their relationships.  Liz knew she was unfulfilled as a wife and mother.

I wish I could write that things immediately ‘fixed’ themselves.  They did not because it takes more than a realization to bring about permanent change.  Permanent change requires time and patience.  Please re-read the words used to describe Henry, which is pretty incriminating for Liz.

Definition of Submission: the action of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another.  Humility, compliance.

I am ending with the definition of Submission because without Liz accepting her role within the marriage it is impossible for Henry to be the leader he is called to be.  This is not to imply his leadership is dependent upon her submission, but rather a belief that a logical person will naturally shy away from an unpredictable situation.

Men have the innate qualities to lead women if we believe men are logical, practical and level headed.  Today, Liz is able to see Henry for who is has been all along.   And that is where we end out story for today.

Authentic Life … part 2

In Authentic Life, In the Beginning, Out of the Comfort Zone on November 30, 2012 at 10:03 am

I’ve been guilty of presenting the appearance of success while the truth of failure lurked beneath the surface.  Like Thanksgiving dinners from my past, my marriage looked successful on the outside but it was very close to failure.  The kids appeared successful, but beneath the surface was a different story.  Our oldest daughter had adopted my attachment to perfection and as the stresses of her junior year in high school escalated, she engaged in self harm as a means of coping when it became apparent to her  .… no one is perfect.  I was fortunate; I clued into her secret and helped her find more productive ways to cope and accept herself.  A year later when others heard she was accepted to ‘XYZ’ universities they would have never imagined what went on below the surface which lead to those acceptance letters.  False Appearance …

Our third daughter, Maggy at 17 is doing well in school and is active in extracurricular activities … No one would ever suspect the struggles we encountered before I could even consider writing the above sentence. The truth is she had a lot of difficulty in school, which we wrote off as her ‘not applying herself’ until she was 15 years old and her math teacher challenged our logic.  She had to fail a lot before I would even entertain that there might be an explanation other than she wasn’t applying herself.  False Appearance …

In the case of Elizabeth, Maggy and my marriage, I am glad I see things much clearer today.  I like the reference to the Matrix films – the metaphor of the red pill, which refers to waking up from an illusion and suddenly realizing that everything is quite different than how you always thought it was…

To a large part, the shift from my Über controlling former self is directly related to a daily dose of the Red Pill.  Because before taking the Red Pill, everywhere I looked reconfirmed on a daily basis that husbands (men in general) are inept and in need of a strong (controlling) women to help them through life.   My Mom treated my Dad the same way my friends treated their husbands … with very little respect and often with contempt.  Now I look back and see why the men in my world couldn’t be our leaders — I (my Mom, my girlfriends) wouldn’t let them.   We challenged, shamed and humiliated them at every turn.     And it is in reminding myself daily of the illusion of my past  – and of authentically accepting how wrong my views were –  that keeps me anchored in my desire to be a submitted wife.

On a daily basis I am mostly happy to have the clarity to see what is really going on with my kids and my marriage … although there were periods when dealing with Elizabeth’s self harm that I questioned my ability to help lead her to a safer place.  It crossed my mind (in passing) “ wouldn’t it have been more comfortable to sit back, have a glass of wine and not notice the little clues she was leaving for me?”  That is what many of my friends do with their teens; the turn a blind eye to behavior they know is taking place.  Maybe their teens aren’t self harming in the way Elizabeth was, but many use drugs or alcohol to numb their reality.  It was an equally daunting journey when we began to address Maggy’s ADHD.  It would have been a lot easier to continue blaming her for being lazy or unmotivated but once I knew the truth, I felt compelled to act accordingly.

The red pill analogy correlates so perfectly well to my marriage.  Submission to Henry is my red pill reality; he is the leader and I am the follower.  Believing a married couple can live as equals and co-lead the marriage is not reality but instead a fairy tale that I bought into for 20 years.  My illusion.

Saturday night I tried to block my Red Pill vision and hide behind BLACK OUT GLASSES;  pretend the concepts of my marriage were unclear to me.   Henry (who has advanced red pill vision) recognized how much I needed a reminder of my place in our marriage. But because I refused to submit, the ‘reminder’ turned longer than anticipated.  Henry did a couple of things  – first, he challenged my attempt to go into the ‘isolation bubble’; he told me in no uncertain terms that it would be HIM and I together as we move closer to Grandma’s move-in date and my stress escalates.  He also refused to let me dictate how the night would unfold.

Later when we went to bed I tried to explain to Henry why I had so much trouble submitting to him when it was obviously needed.  As I at first tried to justify myself I instead began to realize the truth behind why I was unable to let go of my fears or my pride and submit to his leadership.  At first I thought it was a step backwards and I was surprised and a little (a lot) disappointed with myself.  However I now think it was a step forward because even though I wasn’t willingly submitting to Henry’s leadership – but because of Henry’s determination I was able to recognize the ‘line in the sand’ that I instantly draw that allows my isolation bubble to wind tightly around me and in turn keeps me from living an AUTHENTIC life, which is the life I desire. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense?

When I use red pill vision to look back over the last 20 years, it has not been easy nor does it look very pretty.  And then there are the days where I see clearly how my behavior or attitude is not becoming of a submitted wife and also does not lead to a harmonious family life – I see clearly what effect a comment will have but sometimes still choose to make the comment. That is where Henry comes in … paddles a swinging to help me get back to my base and not ever fall back into the illusion and the appearance of success while the truth of failure is lurking.  ~Liz

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